The Fiddler Who Came In From The Cold

Violin soloist Aaron Thujeestring, a once-popular TPO regular who was consigned to the scrap heat by Maestra Legova will lead the orchestra in a selection of Strauss waltzes.

In a bid to get its troubled season back on track, the Thrupiece Philharmonic Orchestra will stage a number of free concerts of popular music under the baton of new Principal Guest Conductor and Senior Artistic Advisor Maestro Såphpäar O'Hands. Maestro O'Hands was recently recruited to the rostrum to "steady the ship" and allow Ms Legova "more time with her repertoire coach".

Once the object of a good deal of well-founded humour - "What's the difference between Maestro O'Hands and a Radox Bath? A Radox bath bucks up the feet ....", he has, friends say, improved his stick technique to the point where any well-trained orchestra can "just get on with it and look as though it's following him". At 84, Maestro O'Hands is the third youngest conductor in the TPO's history.

In the first of the free concerts, the Orchestra will offer excerpts from the great movie soundtracks including Hans Zimmer-Frame's sweeping orchestral score to "Glad I Ate Her" as well as suites from John Willy Hames "Saving Ryan's Privates" and "Schindler's Pissed". In the second, violin soloist Aaron Thujeestring, a once-popular TPO regular who was consigned to the scrap heat by Maestra Legova ["He plays instrument like angry Russian peasant woman beats carpet"], will lead the orchestra in a series of Strauss, Lehar and Lanner waltzes in what is being called - inexplicably - A Night in Ghent*.

The free concerts, for which those interested should submit applications to the TPO worldwide interweb digital portal, will cost £15 for adults and £10 for children accompanied by an adult [maximum two children per adult]. All proceeds will go to Dorset Radio 4's "Legova out" campaign.

* Aaron Thujeestring trained briefly in Ghent. His regular bicycling over its cobbled streets was, he says, the foundation of his spiccato technique** [Ed]

** Spiccato [spikˈkaːto] is a bowing technique for string instruments in which the bow appears to bounce lightly upon the string. The term comes from the past participle of the Italian verb spiccare, meaning "to separate". [Music Ed]