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The Sky At Night

One of the array of 241 radio telescopes at the University of Afpuddle's West Dorset Observatory. Only by deploying many telescopes working in tandem can images such as the one discussed here be detected and retrieved.

Scientists at the University of Afpuddle's West Dorset "Professor Brian Thrupiece" Astronomical Institute Field Observation Facility - site of the world's most powerful radio telescope array - are reporting an unusual sighting deep in the night sky. Using the instrument's unparalleled facility for probing the outer universe and coupling it with the latest Threadbone digi-lab photo resolution techniques, they believe they have made one of the "discoveries of the decade, if not the century". Some are even calling it "a message from outer space".

"We couldn't be more excited", says Technical Director and Professor of Astronomy, Astro-Physics and Soft Furnishings [Fabric and Felts] Ursula Miner, "even if a meteor was about to hit Planet Earth". "Though that would be more terrifying than exciting", she adds, on second thought, after realising she hasn't changed her underwear "just in case".

Deep Space Observation "Project Amanda" team-leader Brite Kluster explains ...

Our telescopes are programmed to scan the skies randomly but constantly and persistently looking for any unusual patterns of movement or activity. Your readers will appreciate [are we sure about this [Ed]] that observing star movement is a long game and requires the patience of a saint. Fortunately, our computers are neither easily bored by, nor frequently distracted from, their task and, like an on-form Jason Stourpaine, they patiently probe away night after night. [Apparently a University of Afpuddle Common Room joke [Ed]]. On 12 October at 22.00 hours our receivers picked up an unusual sound from the Thrupalorian Sector at approximately 180° N 112° W. On further investigation, these hypersonic purple noises proved capable of optical resolution using the Threadbone Laboratories experimental sono-optico-apokryptograph. [TECHNICAL NOTE: Developed to the prototype stage in 2018, the sono-optico-apokryptograph is potentially the most exciting advance in deep-space decoding since the invention of the rubberised ferrule. Without it, discoveries such as those under consideration would be scientifically impossible. It promises, one astrophysical engineer claims, to change the map of the universe as we presently understand it [Tech Ed]]. As the hyper-electro-ceramic water-cooled pattinator resolution filters began to work their magic, clearer images began to emerge. To say we were astonished by the analogue interpolation of the digital information would be an understatement. There, clear as day, was the image of a man - the fanciful might say an alien - with three external brains, seeming to send us a message through the ages. It was cosmic!

Our technical correspondent writes ...

Explaining discoveries of this sort to the layman - sorry layperson - is never easy, especially if there are women in the audience with other things on their mind. [For Christ's sake don't elaborate [Ed]]. It is perhaps easiest to say that there is no obvious explanation as to why the figure of a man with three or possibly four brains should suddenly appear in outer-space. Putting aside the highly improbable theory that this is a hoax - it's November not April - it is probably safest to say that we have no idea why Professor Thrupiece should be calling to us offering his brain[s] for organ donation - especially as he is currently missing presumed disappeared rather than dead. Unless of course, he is dead and this is a signal from "the other side". As previously stated, in laypersons terms, it's puzzling.

BEFORE AND AFTER: [TOP] The raw data as received by University of Afpuddle radio-telescopic observation equipment. [BOTTOM the resolved image after processing through the Threadbone Laboratories' sono-optico-apokryptograph © The University of Afpuddle and The Threadbone Digi-Lab, Great Heaving. Not to be reproduced without medication.

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