Tiers Before Bridetime


Conceptually-challenged bride Angela Absolut’s wedding plans were thrown into temporary confusion yesterday when the former University of Afpuddle star student and low-functioning dyslexic misunderstood a message from her wedding cake provider Melplash Baked Goods Ltd.


Receiving a text telling her that they had upgraded her cake from a four tier to a five tier, the highly distressed graduate beautician and former Junior Miss Piddletrenthide tried to cancel the long-planned ceremony that would have seen her united at last with childhood sweetheart Arnold Thickie. The wedding which was scheduled for 4th February in the burial grounds of Our Lady of Woeful Miracles, Gussage St Michael's had a planned congregation of 30 - ie 30 more than allowed under Tier Five Rules [RDC Interpreted and Rigorously Enforced Version].


Bride Angela Abzolut agrees that, in retrospect, it was un wise to cut corners by ordering both her dress and cake from the same supplier.

"I was in a panic", Angela said. "We had been planning the wedding since just before lockdown [ie forever] and we were all ready to go. I had been remembering my words by writing them on the back of my hand and reading them every day ["I do"] and we had even ordered the Ubers. Then the message came from Melplash and I was just devastated. I asked an old University friend of mine who is dead good at reading to look up the rules for Tier Five and we realised that I couldn’t have all the guests that I had invited and that we would have to have conduct the ceremony in biohazard suits at least fifteen metres apart, in front of a disposable vicar. We would only have been allowed to remove our masks for the vows and a quick vicar-signalled snog - which I was really looking forward to. And to make matters worse, Arnold and I would have had to have left the church in separate cars, held the reception in separate venues and gone on honeymoon to different resorts at least one continent apart. I was in bits. I telephoned Arnold and he said he was in bits too - what with there being no possibility of "afters" and all that. After that the signal improved and I realised he'd said was in Boots - buying something for the weekend".


Happily her Five Tier - Tier Five confusion was cleared up after her mother contacted the local authority's CONTRIK-69 Emergency Helpline [Tuesdays and Fridays 11.00-12.30, no personal callers]. A Bradpole District Council official patiently explained the difference the order of words in a sentence can sometimes make. "Its just amazing how swapping them round changed everything", said 48 year old Mrs Yura Thickie, who, like her daughter and son-in-law to be, still "can't quite get my head around any of it".


Spot the Difference: [LEFT] Five Tier; [RIGHT] Tier 5

"Now there will be tears as well as tiers", said Our Lady of Woeful Miracles's acting vicar, the Very Reverend Minnie Stir. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and, in his mercy has given us the grace to know the difference; though explaining that to the bride and groom will definitely be one of life's challenges".


The expected-to-be-Happy-Ever-After Abzolut-Thickie's will honeymoon at Casa Enriqué in Buckhorn Weston in November. Twin rooms are still available at most Casa Enriqués at reasonably affordable prices provided your stay is essential. [Anyone self-identifying as a commercial traveller and accompanied by a guest will not be challenged or asked for identity. You will not be contacted at home later.]


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