Updated: Oct 6, 2019
Rarely out of the spotlight - for reasons good and not so good - Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore certainly sells newspapers. Ever since her youthful involvement with Professor Thrupiece, the celebrity amanuensis, muse and, more recently chat show hostess and best selling author has commanded public attention like no other. As Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Nasty once said: "On a quiet news day, nothing cheers the office more that the thought of a bit of S-LS spead-eagled across the front pages"... and he should know.
Though a tad quiet of late - she has been spending time renovating her lovely home [the magnificent Cornarvin Castle] - no-one has doubted that, as with each and every previous lacuna - the chimeral chrysalis that is Ms Sizemore would re-emerge a yet more magnificent butterfly as a result of her temporary absence. Now that the most recent edition of Dorset Vogue has made it to the news-stands we can be certain that remains the case, for the Shelley-Lulette Sizemore we are about to encounter is, says features editor Fee Churz-Edita, a surprising reinvention, even by her own remarkable standards.
The clue is on the front cover, which features a trim and elegant Ms Sizemore fingering a baby grand. An elegant - if somewhat synthetic - pose designed to draw attention to the decor of her newly appointed drawing room? No fear. Rather, Ms Sizemore we are told, has spent time on an intensive course of keyboard training with a view to taking up a concert career. "It was jolly hard work at first", she tells her interviewer, "and though the many years I spent taking dictation from Professor Thrupiece helped - especially my time hammering his sturdy old Remington - I had to learn to sit upright and, of course, a piano keyboard has so many more keys. It also requires a softer touch than I was generally asked to sustain. It certainly wasn't an easy transition - though pedalling came quite naturally to me - Professor Thrupiece being a life-long pediphile*. Still once I had mastered the Bach Preludes and Fugues [a whole two weeks' work!], I quickly moved on to the complete Debussy Preludes and Images, and found that after a further week I could play the whole of Scarlatti, Rachmaninov, Ravel, Scriabin, Schubert and Liszt without too much strain. Chopin took another three days so I suppose you could say that though I am definitely getting better, I am still a slow study. It's somewhat depressing to think that Professor Thrupiece could play almost any piece of music put before him - not very well of course and certainly not recognisably, but to his own satisfaction nonetheless.
* An admirer of feet [Ed]
Admirers of Ms Sizemore - and they are legion - will be delighted to learn of her new found enthusiasm for the pianoforte and will doubtless be anxious to hear for themselves her way with the classics. Happily they may not have to wait for too long. Rumour has it that she is already in negotiation with the Thrupiece Philharmonic on a top-secret project. A little bird tells us it will be the world premier of a fearsomely complex piano concerto - one perchance by a well-known Professor of Culinary Bio-ethics? S-LS plays PBT? Bring it on!