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Top Cop's Top Cop


The day after Boxing Day [however it should fall] is traditionally the time when the great wheels that are The Threadbone Corporation and its many associate entities begin once again to turn after the annual Christmas break [from 00.00 on December 25th to 11.59 on 26th]. So despite the fact that 27th December falls this year on a Sunday, observers expected everything to be back in motion this morning, with a full complement of Great Heaving employees rostered for their normal administrative, productive, supervisory, advisory or assistant roles.


Source close to the organisation, however, have disclosed that not a single employee has been allowed to return to their work station [sanitised, socially-distanced or even "slacking-at-home"-virtual] pending the outcome of the inquiry launched yesterday into the embarrassing "failure to launch" of the Corporation's Annual Christmas Greeting. If anyone doubted for a moment the seriousness with which Greetingsgate is being treated ["from the very top of the organisation downwards"] then they should think again. Operation "Deep Drill", designed to root out lax behaviour - be it inappropriate, unseemly, ignoble, inefficient, doubtful, delinquent, unbecoming or just plain lazy - is clearly in full swing and will, the same sources suggest, be pursued full-throttle until the person or persons responsible for Christmas Day's debacle have been identified, found guilty without trial, publicly scapegoated and flogged.


Today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun alleges the Royal Dorset Constabulary's Chief is on a whacking retainer cum salary designed to ensure that he comes up with "the right answer if not necessarily the right culprit" - an allegation vigorously denied by those highly paid to deny it.

Lead investigator Sir Rising Crimewave who, we understand volunteered to be seconded from the RDC "for the duration", has been quoted as saying that everyone in the organisation is co-operating fully and that he has all the resources he could reasonably need at his command. [His exact words were: "everyone in the organisation is co-operating fully and I have all the resources I could reasonably need at my command"]. It is understood that more than 20 investigative officers, 12 riot police units including 2 armoured divisions and 24 other CONTRIK-69 rostered human assets have also been transferred to his direct command. Asked whether this would impact on the RDC's ability to continue to harass ordinary citizens for no good reason and to break into and ransack law-abiding homesteads in pursuit of punctured or perforated rubber-wear [especially face-masks], a designated RDC spokesperson said that, though the scale of the secondment to the Threadbone Corporation inquiry sounded substantial, it was in fact a mere fraction of the resources that were available to the force to tackle citizen-based CONTRIK-69-inspired social entropy.


Sir Rising Crimewave denied that he was being paid a staggering £25,000 an hour as reported in today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun. Instead he insisted he was being paid on a results only basis; that he was certain he would be successful; that it would take an estimated 4 hours to pin the blame on someone or other and that, accordingly, he would be submitting an invoice for £100,000. "Neither I nor my men work cheap", he added unnecessarily.


CONTRIK-69ii UPDATE


The Royal Dorset Statistical Society has revealed today that the number of confirmed CONTRIK-69 cases in the county has risen dramatically from 4 to 5 over the last 24 hours and has blamed the relaxation of rules over the Christmas period for the startling acceleration in infection rates. Relatedly, an act of “unreasonable and wholly unwarranted” social mixing on Christmas Day had resulted in two people who live together - but who had not practiced social distancing in the required manner and had "definitely not opened a window"- being admitted to Herston General Hospital for observation. The couple, who have not been named, had to be surgically separated after unwisely coupling shortly after drink and a number of small blue pills had been taken. The man involved - believed to be local lag Pèti-Lars Senny - is well known to the RD. A spokesperson for the constabulary described him as a well-known substance abuser and a decidedly hardened criminal. This description was later confirmed by tired and emotional nurses at Herston General.






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