Vestra Culpa, Mea Culpa Est

Deputy Threadbone Corporation Chair Roy Binstock: "If my apology offends you then I truly apologise"

In a move which has surprised industry experts, the Threadbone Corporation has today issued an apology to all Dorset descendants of Celts "terrorised and enslaved" during the period of the Roman occupation. In a statement, Deputy Chair Royston Binstock said, "Though the Corporation was not in existence at the time and therefore had no knowledge or involvement in the commission of any offences committed by the SPQR during its period of colonial rule, we have thought it right to take upon ourselves responsibility for issuing a full, heartfelt and unconditional apology for any impact the Romans might have had on local families between approximately 430-10 AD. We do so in the continuing shameful absence of any similar statement from the modern Italian state. Further, we are awaiting any move from the Danish and French authorities before considering whether we should issue further serial apologies in respect of the behaviour of the Viking [793-1010AD] and Norman [1066 ongoing] regimes respectively. We are well aware that many of their actions fell short of the standards we have come to expect of aggressive imperialist occupying forces and wish to right an historical wrong that has been a hurtful stain on our collective character and reputation for far too long".

Apology expert Professor Smug [Lord Waitaminute Chair of Post-Colonial Atonement Delivery Systems] demonstrates the best way for a woman to make an unnecessary but fetching apology.

The move follows in the wake of the surprising apology issued by University of Afpuddle Pro-Vice Chancellor for Education, Research, Student Affairs, On-Campus Betting Services and Public Apologies, Professor Grantham Capricorn, who earlier this week apologised on behalf of the University "to the world and everyone in it for the harm done to them by anybody at anytime whether consciously or not". "We do this, not because it was our fault or because we knew about it at the time, but because we are a liberal and caring institution which wants above all else to draw attention to ourselves and in particular our new online sandwich course on Virtue Signalling for the Self-righteous. Designed by Professor Smug [Lord Waitaminute Chair of Post-Colonial Atonement Delivery Systems], the course is currently available at a discounted rate of £3,000 per semester".

Public Apologies Expert Mia Kulpar writes:

Get a personalised number plate for your car: a great way to apologise non-specifically to everyone you might ever encounter.

Apologising for things you didn't do and perhaps don't even know about is cleansing and is perhaps the best vehicle currently available to institutions to give the impression that they really care about things about which they don't actually give a toss. Apologies are notoriously hard to make when you've done something wrong and are feeling guilty about it. Apologising on someone else's behalf for something which you didn't do and over which you had no control - particularly in cases of historic fault - is much easier since in your heart of hearts you know you are not personally responsible and so don't actually have to give a flying f**k. In fact its even easier if you don't know exactly what you are apologising for. It's known to academic theorists as an "empty" or "worthless" gesture - largely because such gestures are in fact "empty" and "worthless". I do it all the time - it costs nothing, puts you in the public eye and makes you feel damned good about yourself. I am surprised more institutions don't do it. [Just wait - they will [Ed]]