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Virgin On The Ridiculous

Court artist's impression of Mrs Mary Motherovgod

A 58 year old mother of 12 who has recently self-identified as a virgin was told by a court in Drimpton that her case against Dorset Health was "contentious, specious and always destined to fail".

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons but is known to friends as Mary Motherovgod [of Flat 3, 32 Bethelhem Road, Poyntington], had been seeking compensation from the DHS which, the court heard, had refused to "confirm her claim" prior to her fourth wedding to her 26 year old boyfriend former body-builder Duncan d'Sordelly.

Duncan d'Sordelly a man described by the judge as cognitively challenged

Instructing the jury to dismiss her case outright, Mr Justice Straitman said Mrs Motherovgod's action had been a vexatious use of the court's time in that it was perfectly plain to any sane person - and even possibly to members of the jury - that a woman who had successfully conceived at least 12 times could have no credible claim to being "virgo intacto", or expect to be believed even by a man as plainly imbecilic as Mr d'Sordelly.

Speaking after the verdict, a disappointed Mrs Motherovgod said she would be considering her position, opening up the possibility of a legal challenge in the ECHR where, "as everyone knows, even the most absurd, far-fetched and manufactured case stands every chance of being successful".

Buster Hymen: a man with a reputation to protect

A spokesperson for Mr d'Sordelly said that the 26 year old was disappointed on his future wife's behalf and surprised at the verdict given that Mrs Motherovgod had repeatedly assured him she was a virgin prior to every single "bout of lovemaking" they had enjoyed over the last two years. One of Mrs Motherovgod's former husbands - Mr Buster Hymen - had declined to appear in support of his ex-wife on the grounds that he did not want to spend the rest of his life being viwed as a man who "couldn't give the wife a damned good seeing-to whenever the fancy takes him".

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