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We'll Keep A Welcome At The Seaside

Signs of a rising tension between visitors and residents appeared at Branscombe Sands yesterday when a family from Devon awoke to find their luxury beachside AirB&B daubed with "what appears to be a less than unwelcoming message", suggesting that their visit to the area was not popular with everyone.

Even luxury beachside AirB&B are not immune to attack

Though it his unclear whether the message was directed specifically at the family [the Twats from Ilfracome] or part of a more generic campaign to create unsafe visitor spaces in the popular resort, a spokesperson for the Branscomb branch of the Visit Dorset organisation, agreed that the "message this sends out might be though to be a little discouraging". Ms Kumme-Seus went on to stress that almost everyone - gay, trans or undecided [I think he/she/they/it means the LGBTQQIP2SA community [Sub Ed]*] - was welcome in the county provided they "keep themselves to themselves and don't try to impose their own filthy twisted heterosexual, nuclear family lifestyles on the population at large".

* No dammit that's my password [Ed]

Nowhere seems safe from the graffiti campaign. A deck chair in Canford Cliffs sits abandoned after being vandalised by campaigners whilst its temporary occupant went in search of "a pot of tea for the sands".

According to the Branscombe Bugle, there has been a spate of incidents recently - including the appearance of lurid graffiti and flashmob videos - all aimed at making clear that uncontrolled temporary immigration into the area ["even for short holidays"] particularly by "traditional families" is putting an intolerable strain on the infrastructure, resources and woke credentials of the county as well as the patience of dedicated and well-meaning anarchist campaigners**.

           ** anecdotal evidence suggests that several "illegal holidaymakers" lacking the necessary permissions, passes and permits are even claiming to have converted to homosexuality in order to facilitate their sojourn in the county and to frustrate the authorities' attempts to deport them to a neighbouring jurisdiction.

Experts believe that lockdowns during the CONTRIK-69 epidemic and the complete removal of any signs of outdoor human activity have only served to emphasise how crowded resorts have become since they re-opened to tourists. "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive", says nostalgist and local campaigner William Wordsmith apparently mis-remembering the fact that the family's deck chair hire business was denied furlough payments and consequentially went bankrupt during the lockdown.

Whatever the reason, this "unhappy" development - which tourist promoters believe may be inimical to their messages of welcome and promises of a "great experience amongst friendly locals" - looks set to continue with the militant*** wing of the KKK [Keep Kimmeridge Kinesexual] promising further retribution on anyone with the temerity to book accommodation in the region.

                                        *** make that the illiterate wing [ Mo-Ral Cumpas [Pedantism Advisor]]

Authorities deny that matters are out of control and suggest that reports of "beaches on fire" are wild exaggerations.

No one from the Combined Greater Dorset Metropolitan Authority was available for comment though a Press release issued on behalf of the RDC said that Chief Constable Sir Rising Crimewave was aware of recent developments and would be dealing with them "head-on and as a matter of urgency" as soon as he and Lady Crimewave returned from a fact-finding all-expenses-paid visit to the Bahamas.

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