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When Hope is Pegging Out, Reach For A Clothes Line

The front page of today's Sydling St Nichoilas Sun strikes a sceptical note.

In a move described by Sidling St Nicholas Sun editor Ron Nasty as “whistling to keep their spirits up” Team Thrupiece has once again stepped up its efforts to keep the fate of “missing presumed disappeared” culinary bio-ethicist Professor Brian Thrupiece at the forefront of our consciousness.

That Full Page Ad in full! Campaigners say that this is just the start of the push to raise awareness of the Professor's still unresolved predicament and ensure that he is not "forever erased from the annals of history". FAT CHANCE [Ed]

It is now more than 15 years since the distinguished former RSCBE President was last seen “popping out for a quick one” from his plush hotel room at the £350 per night Hotel Cornarvin in Geneva, Switzerland. Though the case remains open and Les authoritiés Suisses continue to pursue their inquiries, little or nothing - bar several thousand unconfirmed "sightings" - appears to have moved since the FIFA-inspired abduction “lead” proved less promising than was at first hoped. The only near witness at the time - Thrupiece muse, amour imprope and sometime horizontal jogging partner Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore - has maintained a near-dignified silence for almost a decade, concentrating instead on her burgeoning career as a novelist, television presenter, “sub-national treasure” and [more recently] recluse. It is not clear, observers say, how involved Ms Sizemore is in the current “awareness heightening” campaign, though few believe it could have gone ahead without her imprimature.

Launched via a series of provocative [and alarmingly expensive] whole page newspaper advertisements, the “Keep on looking and never give up” wing of the Confederated National Professor Brian Thrupiece Is Most Definitely Alive Campaign [CNPBTiMDAC], has commissioned a number of unique* Thrupiece-branded retro leisure wear items, each bearing a reminder of the Professor’s former stature and current status.

* no more than 250,000 of each will be manufactured

A photograph purporting to show Professor Thrupiece wearing an item from the new retro clothing range. Some believe the image to be a fake, arguing that it simply isn't the Professor's style, but others have noted a discrepancy in the number of years claimed on the shirt: 60 here and 80 on the replica. Perhaps it is indeed a clue to what the Professor was wearing when he disappeared?

Speaking for the group, leather-fetishist and tantric sex therapist Phelan Tingley said that the carefully-worded slogans - designed to remind the public of the Professor's profoundly spiritual yet undeniably hedonistic nature - would, hopefully, “jog memories, re-activate feelings and bring to the fore desires which time might temporarily have dampened or suppressed”. “Professor Thrupiece was - and we believe still is - a force of nature, a force for good and a representative of all that is meaningful in today’s muddled world”, he said. "We have no doubt what his response would be to - say - the energy crisis, political instability, economy-crippling strikes and the general breakdown of society: go home to your loved ones [failing which your family] and give your partner a damned good seeing-to.” “It’s a message of profound hope and one we should all take to heart”, he added, before setting off home to "do a Thrupiece".

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