You Have Been Warned
We have received the following "highly significant" communication from the Thrupiece Philharmonic Orchestra Board which we reproduce in full, the better to inform and to warn would-be concert-goers in the Dorset area.
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EMBARGOED UNTIL 09.00 24:02:2022
As the spectre of CONTRIK-69 continues to recede and signs that confidence in public assembly is returning, the Thrupiece Philharmonic Orchestra continues to take the health of its patrons very seriously. With this in mind, and despite the reckless relaxation of mandatory measures by national and local government, the TPO Board wishes to reassure returning audience members that it will keep in place strict measures designed to guarantee their safety and well-being and will continue to ensure patrons are as well-positioned as possible to survive the post-pandemic “entertainment” industry free-for-all.
From today, those attending TPO concerts [both audience and orchestra] will continue to be required to provide evidence of quadruple vaccination, to socially distance inside and outside the TPO Hall, to wear full non-degradable bio-security suits and four-layer face masks [brass and wind players exempt] and to arrive over a carefully-sequenced period as well as to pass through the anti-vital, anti-bacterial “chemical curtains” installed at strategic points in the lobby, corridors and auditorium entrance points. The Board continues to recommend that attendees wear sturdy waterproofs over their suits for their personal protection and comfort as well as self-isolate for 21 days after attending a concert.
In order to further reduce the risks associated with large gatherings, the TPO has invited long-furloughed maestro Irina Legova to resume her responsibilities at the orchestra’s helm”.
Speaking at today’s press conference, Board Chair Mrs Amanda J Threadbare said:
"Whilst we are pleased to welcome back our audience after far too long an absence, we are clear that the best way to ensure their safety is to limit the number attending our concerts and to maintain a safe space between them. The Board has considered a wide range of measures available to achieve this and has concluded that the most efficient way of keeping audiences small on a voluntary basis - avoiding any unpleasantness associated with ballots, priority access measures etc etc - is to bring back Maestro Legova and let the audience decide for itself. Ms Legova is known throughout the classical music world as a guarantor of empty seats. We are grateful to Ms Legova for her willingness to continue in this vital role”
The TPO’s first Legova-led concert will feature an evening of little known and even less performed large-scale choral and orchestral works by former Ukrainian [now Russian] 20th-century musically-challenged minority composers. It will include the Concerto for Mixed Artillery and Strings [“Welcome to My Country”] by Mariupol-born Konstantin Myloyalty [b 2001]. A live [audience free] recording of it will be on sale in shops by Monday week, whilst WAV, FLAC, AIFF, AAC and MP3 quality 24bit DSD files will be available to download two days later. Excerpts are NOT available via the TPO Digital Concert Hall [HERE]
#MastraWars, #TheMaestraStrikesBack, #TheReturnoftheMaestra, #GetYourLegova, #Whatthef**k