Not content with the damaging adverse publicity of last week's "Pastygate" (in which overweight goalkeeping coach Nev R Stoppem "the whopper-stopper" was filmed eating a pasty in pre-match warm up - an incident now being investigated by The Dorset Gambling Authority), Champions Edmondsham FC have parted company with globally-respected manager and head coach Claudi Andmabi Raini.
In a statement read out to the assembled press, a spokesman for Edmondsham chairman Aravinndaa Aravapartiaartifaarti Thaksinaranamaradarapara said that "Claudi is a dear friend, a respected member of the Edmondsham family and a lovely man. He steered us to unparalleled heights last season but recently results have not been good enough ... Signor Raini still enjoys our unconditional support but we no longer want him to be our manager. We have asked him to pack up all his belongings and leave with immediate effect though he retains our complete confidence as well as the desktop paperweight he asked for as a souvenir. The stapler was ours and we have insisted on keeping it."
It is believed that the 0-18 defeat to league strugglers Chaldon Herring Albion may have been the final straw. Asked whether the sacking had any connection to Pastygate, the spokesman was illusive. "We are co-operating with Dorset Casino as well as the Dorset Gambling authorities (Autorité de Jeu Dorset) and any connection between that and Signor Raini's sacking ... which is to say re-assignment - may or may not be coincidental. Time will tell. But don't bet on it. Please. We are in enough trouble already."
Assistant coach Sonny Days and Assistant assistant coach Brita Skyes will take charge temporarily for this weekend's vital clash with fellow strugglers Chideock Rovers . "That's a real six packer", he said. His statement was later corrected to "six pointer" by a more sober club official.
Thrupiece television match reporter and former Edmondsham striker Barry Blinker tweeted his feelings about the sacking "its a fxxxing joke #fxxxing #joke #Aravinndaa Aravapartiaartifaarti Thaksinaranamaradarapara smells". A Thrupiece television spokesperson said that Mr Blinker did not speak for the Company, was lying down and was unliklely to appear on Saturday's highlights show.
Troubling Times for Champions Edmondsham FC. Clockwise from left: Sacked Manager and Head Coach Claudi Andmabi Raini; Pastygate goalkeeping coach Nev R Stoppem "under investigation"; fans deliver Nev's breakfast snack; That paperweight: Signor Raini insisted on taking it with him as "a keepsake and a reminder of happy times in the communal changing room".