The world of cycling was left in confusion today as the Central Organisation for Cycle-Racing Kimmerage (COCK) ruled the cycles used by Team Hornimint in the recent Tour de Dorset illegal. Team Hornimint, triumphant in both the the individual and overall team competitions, as well as winners of all 34 stages including the notorious Lower Mannington Hill Climb, were disqualified and stripped of all jerseys.
Competition adjudicator and COCK President Bob Nobbs said that stewards had ruled the jet packs strapped to each of the Team Hornimint cycles both illegal and contrary to the spirit of the Dorset cycling ethos (COCK Rules 34 c ii 2016). Team Hornimint's assertion that the "jet packs" were nothing more than hydration bottles for their highly trained athletes had been rejected by the technical panel by a majority of 3-2, Mrs Amanda J Threadbone having been ruled ineligible to exercise her veto on the basis of an "undeclared interest" in the Hornimint Company.
King of the Mountains and Yellow Jacket Winner Rene Cheyne-Gaard was said to be distraught at the ruling which has robbed him of his title and severely dented both his pride and his rear wheels (following "a post-ruling outburst"). Team Hornimint confirmed today that they will contest the ruling through an appeal to the Todber Watchdog and Arbitration Tribunal (TWAT), though their chances of success were said to be slim following photographic evidence that in addition to carrying the jet pack / hydration bottles, the team's bicycles were not equipped with actual pedals. "Team Hornimint will have difficulty proving their cyclists used only human "pedal power when there weren't in fact any pedals on their bikes", an observant Manny Spokes, boss of rivals Team Ibberton Chemicals Racing, said.
"Technology moves on and there are more wonders in the world of cycle racing than small brains like Manny's can begin to contemplate. Ever heard of invisible paint?" said an unperturbed but clearly deranged spokesperson for Team Hornimint. "Some people are just invested in trying to prove sport is corrupt - look what they did to Sepp Blatter. Who next? Bernie Ecclestone? Lance Armstrong"
Team Hornimint's Winning Bicycle. The "Hydration Device" is clearly visible. Less so the pedals.