The thrupieceorganisation was quick to distance itself from an article in this month's Men's Health Magazine which, its author claims, is based on a recent interview with Professor Brian Thrupiece the famous ex-Culinary Bio-ethicist. The August issue of the popular lifestyle and fitness monthly also features a photograph of Professor Thrupiece astride a motorbike, though analysis by the Threadbone Laboratories Digi-lab Authentication Division [TLDAD] has proven beyond doubt that this is a malicious fake: a superimposition of an early (and inauthentic) Thrupiece portrait on the body of a younger, fitter, stronger and far more attractive man.
In the article Professor Thrupiece (who has not been seen since 2005 following his alleged demise in a Swiss Hotel bedroom in circumstances still clouded in Alpine mystery) appears to confess:
1. that the thrupiecediet was originally conceived by his research supervisor Dr Kenwood
Cheffe and not by Professor Thrupiece himself
2. that the Thrupiece Tables were substantially the work of Ms Audrey Badminton-Court
3. that during the famous Bay of Pigs episode, he was too seasick to leave the boat and
was not arrested and deported to the USA
4. that he was not present in Dallas on 22 November 1963 and has never visited The Texas
School Book Depository
5. that the fall of the Berlin Wall was not solely the result of his mediations
6. that he was not the first cosmonaut nor the first astronaut in space
7. that Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore was not the last person to see him alive in 2005
8. that he is no Picasso with a No 9 stiple brush
9. that he has been living in cognito in Buenos Aires with a left-handed basket-weaver from Monmouth
10. that his favourite colour is not green
Speaking on behalf of the thrupieceorganisation, the RSCBE, the Threadbone Corporation, Hornimint, the DHRA and the Chilfrome and District Ballroom Dancing Ensemble, spokesperson Ms Cat Igorical-DeNile, said: "We reject in the strongest terms these ridiculous claims each and every one of which is patently absurd (especially the last). Internationally peer-reviewed published works by scholars worldwide (many available from the Threadbone Press and/or the RSCBE/DHRA at surprisingly affordable prices) as well as authenticated papers, diaries and letters in Professor Thrupiece's own hand give lie to these vicious claims the only object of which is to diminish the stature of a great and well-loved man and blacken the character of a peerless academic, statesman and stand-up comedian widely regarded as a regional treasure. If published in April we would have labelled the article a joke. Published in August it is little short of a tasteless personal assault and a mindless assassination of a marvellous character. We condemn it in the strongest terms and demand its immediate withdrawl".
"In any event", she continued, "Professor Thrupiece disappeared in 2005 and has been presumed dead since then, so it's a bit unlikely he'd turn up on a motorbike at a Men's Health photo-shoot in a grey jumper and leatherette jacket. I mean ... Get real."
Summoned from lunch, High Court Judge Mr Justice Wilberforce-Threadbone-Traversty emerged from the Great Heaving Headquarters of the thrupiece organisation only to say: "On the Professor's behalf I dismiss all charges against him. He leaves without a stain on his character, tie or shirtfront."
LEFT: The August Edition of Men's Health featuring what the thrupieceorganisation insist is a manufactured photograph. RIGHT: Despite the best efforts of the Professor Thrupiece Image Inventory Enhancement Programme, inauthentic portraits of the Professor are still in wide circulation. Here are just a few of those for which claims have been made in reccent years. Advanced scientific digi-analysis by scientists at The Threadbone Laboratories suggests that the Men's Health cover may have used a skilfully "colourised" (US readers: "colorized") version of the image bottom left. Readers wishing to make their own judgement are advised to click on the image for an enlarged version.
Comments