Media giant and industrial conglomerate The Threadbone Corporation was rocked today and left "embarrassed and in turmoil" as hackers managed to send a series of suggestive emails to valued customers whose details were held by the Corporation on its normally triple security-locked "Digivault" contacts database.
The emails, which reportedly came from Mrs Threadbone's own private account via the Corporation's in-house servers, offered various "favours" to those willing to respond to their siren call. A spokesperson for the Corporation's security advisors Whisky-Mcnightly Security ("Safe since 2015") said that investigations into the attack were ongoing and that "though it is too early to point the finger definitively" they suspect the organisation behind the breach is the infamous Bonileaks group who operate out of the safe-haven of Awliscombe in nearby Devon. Demoaners have been quick to stress that there are no security co-operation agreements in place between the two counties since DREXIT talks began earlier this year.
Independent cyber security expert - Max Fire-Wall - believes that attacks of this kind are inevitable and simply a fact of modern day life. "All one can do is delete any suspicious emails and not click on any file or other links contained within them. Anyone doing so, does so at their own risk and is advised instead to be vigilant, prudent and careful at all times when visiting cyberspace", the well-known industry-standard pedant said. "In my experience if a woman offers sex proactively there's usually a catch and if she offers the kind detailed in these emails then you're either a fool to say yes or a very lucky chap and a fool to say no." "Years ago in the pre-electronic mail era I answered an ad in the personal column of a well known Fleet Street organ and now I have a wife three kids and a crippling mortgage. Still you live and learn: just remember, there's no such thing as a free ...."
LEFT: Examples of the "vile and disgusting" emails sent from Mrs Threadbone's personal account to Threadbone Corporation contacts. TOP LEFT: Though recipients of such emails often imagine they come from "genuinely hot girls", cyber security expert Max Fire-Wall says they rarely do. BOTTOM RIGHT: Those targeted by "internet sex fiends" may feel "soiled and personally degraded", but psycho-analyst Agonie Ant warns that "washing your phone in warm soapy water is unlikely to bring the closure so many seek".