Sensational - and hastily denied - reports in today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun claim to have solved the Mystery Woman in Seat 2B Saga by revealing that the woman in question was none other than Mrs Amanda J Threadbone - the very person who's arrival was expected but who appeared not to have materialised on the day. Crowds of admirers of the serially-award winning Dorset Businesswoman of the Year had gathered at Sydling St Nicholas International Airport on Monday in eager anticipation but were left disappointed when the great lady - who has not been seen since mid July - was not on board the Threadbone Airways flight from Robin Hood International Airport. Instead attention shifted to an unidentified woman who had been whisked through the VIP facility and out of Terminal 6 by Whisky-McNightly security staff. She was later taken to Great Heaving in Mrs Threadbone's personal limousine. Subsequent reports suggested that she had been met at the airport by well-known authoress and one-time Professor Thrupiece companion Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore.
Since then, the newspaper's crack team of reporters have been in Geneva following up a line of inquiry linking Ms Sizemore to both the Hotel Cornarvin and the (in)famous extreme surgery Clinique Threadbone de Bon Port. Now The Sydling St Nicholas Sun claims it has obtained compelling photographic evidence that proves Ms Sizemore was accompanying Mrs Threadbone and that the latter had been a "long-term" inpatient at the Clinique leaving the exclusive premises in heavy disguise on Monday.
That time line again:
Monday 4 September: Threadbone Airways Flight TA1234 arrives from Robin Hood
International Airport having been delayed waiting for a
connecting flight from Geneva.
Confirmation Mrs Threadbone is not on the plane and that no
passenger bearing that name was registered on the flight.
Mystery woman (Seat 2B) leaves Sydling St Nicholas
International Airport in Mrs Threadbone's personal limousine.
Limousine arrives at The Threadbone Corporation's Great
Heaving Headquarters at 16.04. Passenger "rushed" inside.
Tuesday 5 September: Reporters from the Sydling St Nicholas Sun establish that the
woman waiting for Mystery woman (Seat 2B) is none other than
Swiss-travel veteran Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore.
Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor dispatches crack investigative
team to Geneva.
Reporters discover that Ms Sizemore and another woman had
stayed at the Hotel Cornarvin in mid July prior to a visit to
the Clinique Threadbone de Bon Port.
Wednesday 6 September: Reporters visit the highly secretive Clinique Threadbone de Bon
Port but learn nothing from tight-lipped and highly adroit
Anonymous tip-off alerts team to possible lead via Suisse/Italien
paparazzo Apertura Bella-Pittura who, they believe, is in
possession of several "incriminating" photographs.
Sydling St Nicholas Sun editor authorises payment of a
"substantial" sum for a number of photographs and crack team
return to Dorset.
Thursday 7 September: Sydling St Nicholas Sun publishes sensational findings and
alleges that Mrs Threadbone has undergone extreme plastic
surgery and was the Mystery Woman in Seat 2B.
Shortly after publication a statement was issued by The Threadbone Corporation through lawyers Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone. "The Corporation, which does not normally comment on rumour, speculation or ill-advised articles in the press, is today forced to take the unprecedented step of issuing a categorical, absolute and total refutation of the allegations contained in the scurrilous, misleading and wholly inaccurate reports which appeared in today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun" lawyer Joshua Threadbone McNightly said. "I can confirm that Mrs Threadbone was not, has not been and does not intend to be a patient at the Clinique Threadbone de Bon Port and that any suggestions to the contrary are false, malicious and actionable. Pending further discussions within the Corporation, a decision will be taken regarding future legal proceedings against the editor of The Sydling St Nicholas Sun. No further statements will be issued today."
Meanwhile Sun editor Ross Sleaze was sticking to his guns. "I'm sticking to my guns" he told his assembled staff.
Yesterday's edition of the Sydling St Nicholas Sun broke the story of Mrs Amanda J Threadbone's visit to the Clinique Threadbone de Bon Port, with staff reporters claiming that they had "irrefutable photographic evidence" of her leaving the highly secretive facility on Monday on her way to catch the 11.15 Geneva - Robin Hood International flight.