Following sustained criticism of its delivery service - which has recently led to several high-profile court cases (see https://www.professorthrupiece.com/single-post/2017/07/27/Woman-Receives-Severest-Sentence-The-Law-Allows) - retail giant the orinoco store has decided to close down its in-house operation and hand over all shipment business to renowned thrupiece organisation logistics specialists thru-ps. The orinoco store's business is believed to be worth dozens of £s per year.
In a terse statement, the store's Irish head of transport & logistics Con Tainer said: "As some customers may know, we have recently been experiencing some difficulties with staff in the delivery sector (particularly pilots and drivers) and standards have fallen below those we would expect of ourselves and others would expect of us. Staff overtime problems and general rostering issues have affected about 89% percent of our deliveries and have undoubtedly upset some customers. This we regret. Once we were aware that our services were not receiving 100% satisfaction levels we determined to tackle the problem head on and have, in consequence, sacked all our delivery staff and closed down the operation. It was the humane thing to do. I mean you don't keep alive a three-legged cat do you? Well some people might I suppose, particularly if the cat is a much loved family pet - perhaps the favourite of a small child who was been inspired to fight a particularly trying illness by observing the pet's fortitude - but in, well, shall we say more normal circumstances, you would't would you? And we didn't. So yes I can confirm "we've killed the cat" as it were."
Asked to comment on the employment of thrupiece organisation logistic giant thru-ps as a replacement, Mr Tainer's equally tight-lipped orinoco store colleague Ayer Landen-Cee added: "For many reasons, not all of which I would care to go in to at this stage, thru-ps are the ideal partner for us. They have a great reputation, hubs all over Dorset and countywide tentacles. They have recently renewed their fleet of aircraft, trucks, vans and tuck-tucks and are generally recognised as brand leaders in their field. Nothing under 35 miles is a challenge to them. In addition I would simply like to add that they are part of the thrupiece organisation / Threadbone Corporation stable and if that doesn't allay customer fears, I don't know what will. We have planned extensively to ensure a seamless transition and we expect the change-over to go smoothly. The last orinoco in-house "speed-to-home" delivery will take place on Tuesday 3 October and the new service will be up and running by December 14th - in time we hope for the Christmas rush. In the meantime we hope that our customers will exercise their usual well-tried patience." Mr Landen-Cee's deputy Ms C Roadenrale clarified: "We mean Christmas 2018 obviously".
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Retail giant, the orinoco store, is handing over responsibilities for deliveries to thru-ps the acclaimed logistics experts in the hope that the recent record of poor service will be addressed. Orinoco's Cripplestyle Warehouse manager Weasel Everything - was confident of a smooth transition which should take no more than "a few months to iron out"
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