For many thoughts of yoga classes bring to mind images of pale-faced proselytising vegetarians adopting deeply unattractive positions (intellectual and physical) whilst seeking group enlightenment through tantric farting. Sexy? We think not!
So how delightful and surprising that former thrupiecediet™ Slimmer of the Year and acclaimed author Brenda Oats should bring to the general public - through her Hornimint/Brenda Oats Method™ franchise - her previously client-exclusive new age horniyoga™ programme in the shape of Beach Body Yoga: The Daily Way to Wheyhey-Hey.
Beach Body Yoga was developed over an extensive four day period by Brenda and her associates through rigorous trial, testing (and some error!) on the golden sands of Branscombe Beach. Partly tantric, partly tactile but always mind-body centric, the new method devised under the spiritual guidance of Maharisha Mahesh Zumba, combines traditional yoga techniques with pages 189-195 of the Kamasutra (Revised Authorised Version (Threadbone Press New Age Spiritualism Series Volume 8)) to offer clients spiritual enlightenment, ethical cleansing and "whole body" satisfaction in 15 easy workout steps.
Launching the programme, Brenda Oats Method spokesperson Brenda Oats said "Today we are launching the programme". Mrs Oats is unrecognisably dissimilar to the person claiming to be Brenda Oats 15 years ago: a fact confirmed by her husband Mr Oats: "She's a completely different woman" , he said yesterday, "but it's no skin off my nose. I never know who I am coming home to; so it's win win for me."
Available both as a video (complete with a specially devised sand-barrier interface to prevent unwelcome ingress) and as a fully-tutored programme hosted at Threadmills™ fitness centres Dorset-wide, Beach Body Yoga is guaranteed to sensationalise your savasana and leave your prana panting for more. Home users wishing to "hook up" with similarly interested parties can do so through the Threadbone Corporation's Thrinder™ Adult Interface App (Internet charges apply; enter Password "AVAILABLE" for introductory rates)*.
So why not accentuate your asanas, manipulate your mudra, perfect your pranayama and give your fitted-carpets a through going over in one terrific totalising tantric timeframe**.
* Sterile gloves, Borax and wire wool are available separately and are strongly recommended.
**NB At Threadmills Fitness Centres Love eggs are extra and should be disposed of in the appropriate containers after use.
Always insert responsibly. Other Yoga Methods are available. Terms and Conditions apply. See website for details. Over 16s only.
Brenda Oats's Beach Body Yoga is set to put the sizzle back into your yoga experience. TOP LEFT: Willing student Katrina Kallis-Theniks absorbs the prana (double dose) whilst
flexing her savatras. TOP RIGHT: the video edition of the programme is set to top this
year's Christmas Exercise Video Charts and is available in plain cover from the orinoco store.
BOTTOM [LEFT TO RIGHT]: The changing face of Brenda Oats: before the thrupiecediet™ success; Slimmer of the Year and at yesterday's launch. "Mrs Oats is her own best advert" a Company spokesperson said. "She just gets better and better" her husband Ray confirmed.