In the Christmas War of the Supermarkets, advertising is king. Every year competition to create the best and most memorable Christmas advertisement ratchets up a notch or two and this year is no exception. News that rival supermarkets Baldi and Lotl were about to launch their season campaigns seems to have stirred the powers that be at Great Heaving based Threadbone retail who have entered the fray earlier than usual this year with a timeless tribute to Christmas through the ages.
Described by Supermarket Christmas Advertisements News - the supermarket trade paper for supermarket trade people - as "clumsy, badly thrown together" and "so idiotically cliched as to be completely naff", not everyone is satisfied with the rushed results. "We needed to get out there quickly" explained Threadbone's Dutch Head of Marketing Edov Markettink, "and it may be we sacrificed quality a little". "However, I don't accept that the advertisement is as irredeemably atrocious as everyone agrees it is", he added.
Advertising guru Maurice Scratchi of Scratchi & Scratchi, is loath be to be critical but agrees that the Threadbone advertisement is "complete and utter crap". "It is quite possibly the worst work we have ever done and heads should certainly roll". Asked if they would, he was cagey. "Maybe yes, maybe no. It depends whose head it is. If its mine (and I rather think it is) then definitely not. I wasn't well when I did it. I'd had a row with my ex-wife Bonjela who had hidden my stash and I was not completely lucid at the time. I'd rather not say any more as I am working on a campaign for Theresa Might of the DHRA and she's a "bloody difficult woman" apparently. And I should add that any suggestion that I touched Mrs Might's knee in 1966 is very, very wide of the mark. I have assured myself this is not a resignation matter and I will not be resigning. I wasn't well when I did it. I'd had a row with my then-wife Bonjela who had hidden my stash and I was not completely lucid at the time."*
In the meantime Threadbone shares were down 38% at close of business today whilst plans to build a Threadbone Extra outside Melbury Osmond have been put on indefinite hold.
* Mt Scratchi has now resigned following allegations that he touched an armless statue of a naked Aphrodite which stands in the foyer of the RSCBE inappropriately. "The statue was completely unarmed and thus utterly defenceless against the attack", an RSCBE spokesperson said, "which makes Mr Scratchi's behaviour all the more callous and unforgivable."
This year's Threadbone Extra Christmas Advertising Campaign has got off to such a poor start that the company is expected to close early for the festive period to avoid unnecessary staff payments. A spokesperson for the Company described the launch as a "damp squid" (sic) suggesting that cephalopods of the order Teuthida, will be off the Christmas menu this year.