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One Cheer And A Technical Fall-down As Fifehead Magdalen Lights Up Christmas

Residents of Fifehead Magdalen declared themselves "just a tad disappointed" at the Grand Opening of the village Christmas lights this year, after it was revealed that the number of illuminations would be fewer than usual. This followed the theft last week of a string of 5 bulbs from a locked cupboard in the village hall.

Local Parish Councillor and Honorary Treasure Mrs Winifrid Tighte-Wadd had downgraded expectations earlier in the week by announcing that there were no monies to replace the stolen bulbs and that an appeal launched by Ron Sleaze, editor of the Sydling St Nicholas Sun had "failed to reach its target by some distance". Disappointment was further increased once it became known that the celebrity chosen to switch on the lights had withdrawn in order to "concentrate on her corporate business interests". The opening was performed instead by local resident and former Boners drummer Charlie Lowe-Watts who, shortly before falling over, declared that he had "great pleashure in schwiching theshe lighsh on".

An ashen-faced Mrs Tighte-Wadd told reporters that, whilst she was relieved that the ceremony was over, she felt that the ceremony had gone better in previous years: "Whilst I am relieved that the ceremony is over, I feel that the ceremony has gone better in previous years", she said, "last year's celebrity managed to stay upright the whole time."

Meanwhile Dorset Chief Police Constable Sir Rising Crimewave insisted that the case of the stolen lights was far from closed. "Several houses in the village have acquired Christmas trees recently, in what can only be described as a spate of purchases. We are regarding these with suspicion and will be watching how these trees become decorated over the next few days and weeks. Anyone with an unusual abundance of lights will be hearing from us. Especially if they have in their possession a strip of 5 multicoloured bulbs. Rest assured we are on this case and taking it very seriously. We will leave no sod unturned."

Residents of Fifehead Magdalen were said to be "a tad disappointed" at this year's display of Christmas lights. Police are aware of the recent theft of a string of five bulbs from the village hall and their investigations are said to be "active and ongoing". The drag marks in the snow bear witness to the removal of Mr Lowe-Watts after his collapse.

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