Virulent Outbreak Of Apathy Leaves Sect Diminished
Both Mr Neil Forward former protégé of deceased cult leader Billy Grantham and pro tem figurehead of the Forward with Neil Campaign and Pastor Rick Pervitt leader of Status Quo, the reactionary wing of the once popular evangelical movement have admitted that their bitter struggle for ascendency may have left the movement in tatters and supporters in apathetic disarray.
"Whereas we were once a dynamic, thrusting organisation, bringing people into the fold on a regular basis, things just haven't been the same since Billy passed", admitted Mr Forward. "No one can match his spirituality or keep up the tent single-handedly like he did. We won't see his like again and it might just be time to pack up and go home".
Arch rival Mr Pervitt was for once in unaccustomed agreement: "We are looking like a spent force", he conceded, "We've shot our bolts and come up short. I think our members (whose average age is 69.4 years) just may not be up to it now. All that spirituality takes it's toll. We're feeling very drained right now and a bit deflated".
Attendance at last night's "Rally of Radical Revivification, Rediscovery and Renewal" was disappointing - as official photographs confirm. "It was all as quiet as a mouse - and even the mouse looked a bit under par", commented 83 year old social media advisor Ouija Board-Member, "It made attendance at the mid-week Arsenal-City match and the weekend's darts at Minehead look outstanding", he added dejectedly. It is expected the movement will be officially wound up on Wednesday and its remaining assets ("a very used and impractically large wand") sold off. "If you know of anyone who wants a tent, we've got one going. It's in reasonable nick - nothing a bit of Dabitoff won't put right".
The once popular tabernacle or tent - spiritual home of the evangelical sect founded by charismatic Pastor Billy Grantham - was all but deserted last night as the "Rally of Radical Revivification, Rediscovery and Renewal" failed to get under way. Organisers blamed poor weather, transport chaos, alternative attractions, lack of leadership, and sheer indifference.