Amidst mounting tension between the residents of Gussage All Saints, Gussage St. Andrew, and Gussage St. Michael over the so-called "Swampfish-gate Poisoning" incident, the Gussage All Saints Festive Sports Committee have now threatened to boycott the Gussage St. Michael-hosted 2018 "Jeux Sans Frontier". As reported in last week's Gussage All Saints Gazette and Sports News, authorities in Gussage All Saints believe they have firm evidence that agents of the Gussage St. Andrews team are responsible for the poisoning of fish in the village pond. Asked why they would do such a thing, local PC Havant Aklu said he believed it was "either a local turf-war gone seriously wrong, or else they are trying to gain an advantage by demoralising the Gussage All Saints team ahead of the traditionally hard-fought inter-village competition". "They do love their fish in Gussage All Saints", he added sentimentally, "especially with a portion of chips and curry sauce".
Speaking off the record to the Sydling St Nicholas Sun's chief sports writer Egan Spoon, Committee Chair Itsa Nockout said: "Until and unless they accept full responsibility for their actions, apologise and restock the pond with viable specimens, we rule nothing out. All options are open, our cards are on the table and we will pull out all the stops to shed the light of truth on this unwarranted, unprecedented and unholy assault on the rights, feelings and ecology of the citizens and pond life of Gussage All Saints ... Is your microphone actually on young man? Because I don't want to be saying that lot all over again?"
Reminders of happier days: The Annual Inter- Gussage villages Jeux Sans Frontiers competitions: "sportmanship of the highest order". CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: the gentle giants of Gussage St Andrew prepare to fall over for no reason; foam was new in 2001 and boy did it make a mess; the games were often "tyring" (sic) here the Gussage All Saints women form a human pneumatic; A younger Keith Chegwin hosted the 2011 event as part of his image recovery programme. His purple and orange striped drinks bottle can be seen on the right. Keith is seen chatting with Frank Bruno and well-known referee Eddie Waring- Andgillow who has, like Keith, just fallen off the greasy wagon having mistakenly played an early Joker!.
This latest threat - a significant escalation in the standoff between the two villages - is a serious matter, believes Inter-county Jeux Sans Frontier Chair and former referee Eddie "Up and Under" Waring-Andgillow. Speaking from his home in his trademark striped blazer, Eddie added "Its no Joker! Or at least it won't be if either of the teams don't turn up. We rely on Gussage All Saints to provide the rubberised costumes and Gussage St Andrew to supply the straw bales, hurdles, water-slides and greasy poles. In this business co-operation and good will are everything. Without them its just a lot of people running around in silly clothes doing silly things with silly articles".
International Jeux Sans Frontier referees Genaro Olivieri and Guido Pancaldi - household names to the over 80s - confessed themselves deeply saddened by the latest turn of events. "Sad... si, sad ... once was beautiful; the youngs people havin' fun in the wet tee-shirt. Was beautiful you know... OK maybe a few people get damaged or killed... but was fun you know. Now is all politics and Putin", Genaro reflected sadly. "I am così contento I died in 2009", he added. "I don't know when I am morto" Guido chimed in "because I don't have a Wikipedia pagina, but decisamente I am... well I must be by now ... certamente".*
* Guido died in 2011 according to his Wikipedia page, which proves, if anything, that Jeux Sans Frontiers referees are not always infallible.
In the meantime hostilities in the Gussage area continue with no signs that the parties involved are prepared to back down any time soon.
Today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun reports on the internecine war between the villages of Gussage All Saints and Gussage St Andrew as tensions mount over "a few dead fish". The games are only 5 months away and are already under threat with the All Saints team threatening a boycott (of umpires).