An Open and Sh*t Case?


Nigel Fitzallan-Montealegre (aka "Shitrag") one of the last surviving members of the original Boners - the group which rose to fame in the 1960s along with lead singer and rock legend Ziggy Osmington - has once again been involved in an argument with a lamp-post outside his home in Canterbury Road, Church Knowle. His agent Nono Booking-Phee says that this is the fourth time the lamp-post has been in a collision with her client's motorised scooter and that "it is high time something was done about it".

Followers of Mr Fitzallan-Montealegre will be aware that the former tambourine and electric-sarangi player is no stranger either to the police or to controversy, though Ms Booking-Phee insists that most of the incidents involving her client "date from many years ago when he was too young to make intelligent life choices" and that "nowadays you are more likely to find him queueing for the dole as for dope" adding "motorised scooter issues apart - he's hardly come to public attention for two decades".

It is believed that Mr Fitzallan-Montealeagre who is recovering at home after being struck by the stationary lamp-post as he was attempting to leave his house "backwards and at some speed" (Church Knowle Neighbourhood Watch Online Incident Book 18 March 2018), is in a physically stable but mentally fragile state - the latter more the result of many years of substance abuse (prescription Uncle Joe's Mintballs) than the collision. The local police are said to have taken no further interest in the case and no-one has been charged, though, according to Ms Booking-Phee - the lamp-post may yet been interviewed and cautioned.

Mr Fitzallan-Montealegre left the Boners in acrimonious circumstances in 1988 citing "irreconcilable artistic differences" with the group's charismatic frontman Mr Osmington. It was widely rumoured at the time that Ziggy was no fan of the electric-sarangi and had tired of "its fxxxxxg wailing". Mr Zitzallan-Monealegre is 83.


According to today's Church Knowle Metro - 'Church knowle's Favourite Free Newspaper' the case involving former Boner Mr Nigel Fitzallan-Monealegre and the lamp-post outside his home may not be as open and shut as at first thought.

According to today's Church Knowle Metro - 'Church knowle's Favourite Free Newspaper' the case involving former Boner Mr Nigel Fitzallan-Monealegre and the lamp-post outside his home may not be as open and shut as at first thought. 'Less a case of "open and shut" than "open and shit!" ' said Matt Munro-Politan editor of the paper, in reference to the former rock star's on stage moniker.


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