Berglàre Press Conference Gives Fake News A Bad Name
Reporters called to a hastily assembled press conference in the Swiss city of Geneva were shocked and stunned today to hear debonnaire but ageing Commissaire de Police Arsene Berglàre announce on behalf of L'Autorités Suisses that a letter in Professor Thrupiece's own hand explaining everything and absolving him [Berglàre] of all responsibility has appeared miraculously "de l'extérieur du bleu."
The BBC was but one of many broadcasters worldwide which interrupted normal programming in order to broadcast the Geneva Press Conference "live and as it happened". Commissaire de Police Arsene Berglàre is seated on the left, his face obscured to protect his animosity.
It was only yesterday that L'Autorités Suisses-watcher Sue Wyss-Wotzjcher (née Sue Gutten-Tag-Heuer) had predicted that something along these lines was possible and even likely. Ms Wyss-Wotzjcher, a renowned sceptic and sometime whistle blower, was unavailable for comment today: relatives have been led to understand that she is undertaking an extended educational tour of the basement of the Strafanstalt Pöschwies, Swizerland's best-known maximum security facility.
Ms Wyss-Wotzjcher's uncanny prescience notwithstanding, most observers have been completely wrong-footed by today's announcement. Speaking alongside Partenaire Petanque - Roger Boules de Fer - Commissaire Arsene Berglàre said that the letter, written on Hotel Cornavin notepaper and sealed inside a Hotel Cornavin envelope, was discovered at 02.35 this morning (CET) by a crack team of highly trained officers. He further revealed that the letter which - like the Professor's passport discovered only 48 hours earlier - was "cachant à la vue" ("hiding in plain sight") "sous l'autre lit censé avoir été occupé par Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore". He further revealed that it had been found alongside "bretelles et bas et une épaisse couche de poussière de tapis".
The envelope discovered by investigators was "hiding in plain sight" amongst discarded undergarments under one of the twin beds believed to have been occupied in April 2004 by Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore - Professor Thrupiece's "travelling companion" at the time.
In a written statement released after the conference, a spokesperson for L'Autorités Suisses, disclosed the full contents of the letter, making clear that publication of any part it by a third party would constitute a serious breach of Swiss law. "We are the only guys around here authorised to distribute fake news", the Press Release warns, "anyone else will be "pendu par les testicules et envoyé à la maison dans une boîte"."
The "evidence" in full HERE
A transcript of the letter can be found in full HERE