Killing Me Slowly With Her Thong
Dorset Emergency Services were said to be on "high alert" this evening as more than 4 people died "of sheer unremitting boredom" as a result of watching DBC1's "The Woman in Tights" a costume drama in 6 episodes spread over an interminable number of nights. "They appear simply to have lost the will, first to watch, then to breathe and finally to live" said Corfe Mullen General Hospital's A & E Triage Nurse, SRN Emily Furstcom-Furstserved.
Managing Director of A & E (Marketization & Sales), Dr Yuva Longwait believes she has witnessed a significant trend in recent years, suggesting there is a direct correlation between the number of patients presenting with DSIC [Drama Series Induced Coma] and the incidence of high budget, glacially-paced historical dramas screened by the major channels. Though not exclusively a Sunday night phenomenon, admissions seems to peak after 10pm on Sundays just after programmes finish and semi-comatose relatives notice that the more vulnerable have tipped over the edge into actual death.
"The problem", according to social trends watcher Thru Gov, "is that generations have been brought up on the high octane excitement of The Antiques Roadshow, Countryfile and Songs of Praise and their bodies simply cannot adjust to the dangerously marmoreal qualities of modern Sunday evening drama". "You can't just go from the all-action adrenaline-inducing antics of "Ask the Family" to "Requiem" and "The Durrells" without consequence", she added. "It's close to irresponsible what the TV companies are doing".
A spokesperson for Dorset Regional Television advised Emergency Services to be on special alert on 24 June when the first episode of Commissaire Berglàre airs to the public. "If they thought The Woman in Tights was a bore, wait 'til they see this. It'll be carnage".
DBC1's The Woman in Tights has been lulling viewers into a false sense of ennui as a result of which several have died without either knowing or caring. The poster above is widely regarded as the most exciting aspect of the whole affair. Jasmina (the eponymous Woman in Tights) has yet to appear in the series proper. Dorset Academy of Theatre Arts and Costume Design Lecturer Margery Modista believe she is in fact a production assistant who strayed into the publicity shoot by mistake - "no self respecting Victorian lady would have been seen in male company without a handkerchief".