A Nasty Smear Campaign


Colebone's of Nettlecombe - Dorset's largest and oldest manufacturer of inedible condiments - has diversified it range, Managing Director May-Kmee Puke told the Foodie Association (Niche Products) Annual Conference today. Launching the company's new "Utterly Disgusting" range, Ms Puke said that "several weeks of market research" allied to "days of laboratory development" had gone into the new range which was designed to "alienate the normal eater" and "make the average buffet even more dangerous to those with an educated palette than it currently is". It is, she reaffirmed, part of the Company's larger strategy of "positioning itself more centrally in the marginalised out-of-left-field corner of the boutique market".

Industry experts described the move variously as "brave ... foolish ... suicidal and commercially interesting" adding that "Whilst it is well understood that many people find the unexpected appearance of an unpleasant coloured and even more unpleasant tasting smear on a perfectly decent piece of ham or beef utterly disgusting, there are people who - for completely unfathomable reasons - are able to stomach this stuff. Some even pretend to like it - though we suspect they spit rather than swallow as soon as the opportunity arises. The same people tend to like s**t like chickpeas - from which so much unhappiness derives, so it makes sense to include that in the range."*

* Research by the Freedom to Spit Group suggests that a survey of more than 400 post-party potted plants revealed than >4 in 5 potted plants showed evidence of post-mastication chick-pea, horseradish or mustard tainted product.

Meanwhile, fitness guru, chickpea enthusiast and long-time halitosis sufferer Anna Rex-Eeya has defended the use of "gratuitously fashionable sandwich add ons". "I think they are great", she said, "who wouldn't prefer a spoonful of roast garlic humous to a dollop of double cream Belgian chocolate mousse?" "I know my children all loved horseradish on their Weetabix .. or at least they did before they decided to live with my ex-husband. And he's a complete b*****d by the way"


Colebone's of Nettlecombe have launched their "Utterly Disgusting" Range under the imprimature of nutrition expert and cookery author Delia Threadsmith.

Colebone's of Nettlecombe have launched their "Utterly Disgusting" Range under the imprimature of nutrition expert and cookery author Delia Threadsmith. It is expected to appeal to a select range of consumers not all of them institutionalised.


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