Drexit On The Brink

Drexit negotiations were thrown into chaos today as both sides struggled to find a compromise in the vexed issue of Northern Dorset and the likely form of any workable border between north and south following South Dorset's proposed exit from the The WCU (West Country Union) scheduled for May 2098.

Taunton officials had suggested that a "soft border" would be unworkable and that instead, customs posts should be established along a new "hard border" which would stretch from Buckthorn Weston in the West to Motcombe in the East, thereby separating Gillingham from the rest of Dorset and requiring a "credible, policeable and, above all enforceable" trading arrangement between the parties involved.

Arguing against the draft proposal, Drexit Secretary Mr No El- Surrender said the idea was "barmy", adding that any such border would have to be armed (possibly mined) and would run through the middle of "the fine city of Buckthorn Weston" rendering it Europe's second divided capitol. "This is, in effect, a declaration of War", Mr El-Surrender said. "Neither I not Mr El-Surrender will ever surrender to such threats", deputy negotiator, Mr Outwright Waugh added.

Drexit negotiations have not been running smoothly of late, with West Country Union negotiator Mr Frankly Barmier-Thanmoste clashing frequently with Mr Surrender. As a result, attitudes appear to have hardened on both sides. The free movement of cheese, Somerset cider, Cornish pasties and Devon cream teas have all been threatened, with Dorset-based Drexit officials proposing high tariffs on all non-Dorset sourced goods unless reciprocal arrangements can be agreed over the export of Dorset Thrupiece Apple Cake, Portland Lamb, Dorset Blue Viney and Royal Pudding. Speaking for the All Dorset Free Trade Association, Chair Mrs Amanda J Threadbone described the current state of negotiations as "perilous" and urged all sides to see sense. "I would describe the current state of negotiations as perilous", she said, "and I urge all sides to see sense".

Earlier this week in her resignation speech, Dorset's Foreign Affairs envoy Mrs Doris Tombstone described the Dorset Trade Free Association's statement as "scandalous, mealy-mouthed, pusillanimous, pathetic, weasel-toned, disgraceful, disloyal, treacherous, treasonous and unbelievably moist". It amounted, she said, "to an acceptance of DINO (Drexit in name only) - an appropriate term, I think you will agree, for a bunch of washed-out waste-of-time past-their-sell-by-date DINOsaurs". "That said, I think Mrs Threadbone is doing an admirable job".

FROM THE TOP: Fears of a Korean type border increased today as negotiators failed to find agreement in the trans-border movement of basic comestibles. The transitional arrangements already in place (pictured) are like to last until at least 2072; MIDDLE: A Threadbone Security Officer surveys the border prior to Mrs Amanda J Threadbone's speech to the Dorset Free Trade Association in the Northern enclave; BOTTOM: Mr No-el Surrender makes his case to Mr Frankly Barmier-Thanmoste - "in a language he might begin to understand".