Beleaguered Manston United manager and former psychiatric patient Signõr Jesse Morris-Mourinho (Marina de Escourt) has been variously described as "out on a limb" and "in the last chance saloon" after the outspoken coach - aka "The Special Needs One" - criticised the Manston United Board Chairman (Feio Vidraceiro), Director of Football (Eduardo Madieramadiera), Chief Scout Adi Das), players, supporters and blamed opposition team members for Manston's shock defeat to Broadmayne Albion on Sunday. Reacting after the match and with cries of "You're getting sectioned in the morning" still ringing in his ears, the former Poxwell, Chetnole, Inter-Marnhull and Real Morden manager was adamant it was not his fault. "Não é minha culpa, são os outros, todos, tudo. Se eu disser diferente, você critica. Se eu disser a verdade que você critica, se eu me culpar você critica; Então, é melhor culpar a todos e a tudo, também é o clima e o campo, a hora do jogo e a desonesta salsicha da barraca de cachorro-quente. Como você espera que eu ganhe jogos com esses jogadores - eles são crianças e merda em combinações. Todo o conjunto é uma porcaria e eu digo como é".
"Is not my fault, it is others, everyone, everything. If I say different you criticise. If I tell truth you criticise, if I blame myself you criticise; so best I blame everyone and everything, Also is the weather and the pitch and the time of match and dodgy sausage from hot dog stand. How you expect that I win games with these players - they are children and sh**t in combinations. Whole set up is crap and I say it as it is."
He later added "Em qualquer caso Albion marca mais gols do que nós, então não é justo e não é legal" ("In any case Albion scored more goals than us so it's not fair and it's not nice.")
Angry fans called for the return of former manager Lady Sarah Fergusen-Tractor who led the side to three titles in the Threadbone East Dorset Premiere League (1956-9) before retiring to take up oral podiatry and children's book writing. Friends of the former Duchess of Whitchurch Canonicorum said it was unlikely she would contemplate a return.
In the meantime, Morris-Mourinho and Manston face a tough game against Toller Porcorum this weekend. A defeat to the side in puce would heap further pressure on an already psychotic Morris-Mourinho who was said by doctors to be suffering from horam tertiam syndrome - a condition which has frequently afflicted him in the past. Signõr Jesse Morris-Mourinho is past his sell-by date.
That shock result in full:
BROADMAYNE ALBION 12 - 0 MANSTON UNITED
(HALF TIME 3-0)
POSSESSION 92%- 8% (Goalkeeper)
SHOTS ON TARGET 38 - 0
SHOTS OFF TARGET 287 - 0
CORNERS 34 - 0
PENALTIES 4 - 0
FREE KICKS 18 - 0
YELLOW CARDS 0 - 6
RED CARDS 0 - 2 (85' and 86' minute)
The back page of today's Sydling St Nicholas Sun suggests all is not well at Manston United
and that the Special Needs One may be on his way.