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Winter Draws On

With memories of the hottest summer in Dorset's recent history fast fading, thoughts will be turning, naturally, to the end of the year and the busy season of traditional Dorset festivities which always make light of the tedium which otherwise marks the run up to Christmas. Take, for example East Orchard's "Pin the Simpleton to the Village Sign" (East Orchard, 18 October [no air guns]); Clifton Maybank's apple cider-fuelled "Vintage Balmoral Regal II Perambulator Racing" (Clifton Maybank, 24-28 October [qualifying races 22-23 [babies strictly at owner's own risk]); Hazelbury Bryan's "Find the Vicar's Wife" (Hazelbury Bryan, 3 November [vicar permitting - last year's winner should return the vicar's wife by 2 November]); Nether Compton's "Burn the Branscombe Bitch" (NB Nether Cerne, 5 November [due to a previous incident]); Turners Puddle's "Piddle in the Puddle" (Turner's Puddle, 19 November [over 18s only]) and Gussage All Saints's "Take One in the Gussage" (NB Gussage St. Michael, 4 December [see above; Sutton Poyntz rules, no doubling]).

So, with so much in the offing it's easy to forget the basics and let personal health and safety preparations fly out of the window. This is invariably a mistake as Threadbone Novelty Rubber Ware salesperson and Dorset Winter Comfort chair Wynne-Ter Chincough knows only too well. "With so much going on at this time of year it's easy to forget the basics and let personal health and safety preparations fly out of the window", says Ms Chincough, "This is invariably a mistake". "Early planning, thorough research and a sensible regime of approved quality product purchasing is the name of the game", she continues, "especially in the personalised rubberware arena". "Speaking for myself, I would always say ... 'Think Winter, Think Threadbone Novelty Rubber Ware!".

So does Ms Chincough (48-26-34) have any particular favourites in mind when it comes to warding off an unexpected cold snap or, worse still, a more extended winter chill? "As a matter of fact I do", says the perky, unattached, Tinder-fan mother of three, who certainly knows a thing or two about keeping warm when it matters. "I would go for at least one - and preferably two - Threadbone Novelty Rubber Ware Thrupiece™ Brand Hot Water Bottles". "With a Professor Thrupiece nestling up against your rear and a Shelley-Lulette wedged nicely in front, there's very little danger of hypothermia in even the coldest nooks and crannies". "It's like being in a culinary bio-ethical sandwich - though without the relish obviously".

With their fully washable lifelike heads firmly attached to the water containing section by a patent plastic tether [the retrievable principle™] there's a reduced danger of internal loss, though Ms Chincough (48-26-34) recommends the purchase of a couple of spares "just in case".

Those must have items up close: The Professor Thrupiece (£12.99) and Shelley-Lulette Sizemore (£11.99) Novelty Rubberised Hot Water Bottles from Threadbone Novelty Rubber Ware. Made from quality synthetic pseudo-rubber (up to to 0.5 times stronger than natural rubber) these superbly styled and supremely versatile personal warmers come with a three month guarantee and full operating instructions. Not to be used unsupervised by those under 5 and over 60. Consult a qualified medical practitioner if in doubt.

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