Dorset's most popular Girl [? Ed] Band, The Vice Girls will be re-forming for a Dorset-wide tour, promoter Threadbone Artistic Management's has announced. Claiming it to be "the most exciting musical event Dorset has seen since last year's Ziggy and the Boners' "Last Knockings Tour", TAM's Head of Opportunities Caesar Mayne-Chance said the girls would be performing both of their hits ["Ziggy, Zaggy" and "Tell Me What You Really Want And I'll Fetch It From The Chemist Next Time I Go"] together with some other songs "both old and new".
The group have not performed since 1989 and have, in the meantime, gone their separate ways. Old Vice trained as a motor mechanic and married Christian Boner (formerly of the Boners and later head of body repairs at Threadbone Motors], Dark Vice married a Ukranian mercenary and lives quietly with her 18 children and state of the art CCTV system in a high security bunker outside Chetnole, Junior Vice became a D-list celebrity and was briefly lost in the jungle, whilst Classy Vice married Corfe Mullen United's right back Dave "Leg Breaker" Norris and sells perfume from a stall on Sutton Poyntz Tuesday Market. Agile Vice briefly took up pole-dancing at Stringbonefellows but, after an incident with a prawn cocktail, disappeared without trace.
The girls [really? Ed] are perhaps best remembered by today's music lovers [you can't make this up! Ed] for the musical VIVA FOR THE TIME BEING! which exploded onto the stage at Studland's Gaiety Theatre in 2008, bemusing audiences with its "quirky, opportunistic and wholly meretricious story" by Rowena Westlake, "strangely unsettling" production by Gannex Macintosh, and "uplifting hit songs" [oh for f**k's sake Ed] from the VICE GIRLS threadbare back catalogue. SPOILER ALERT Bringing some much needed vice to the county, the show charts the journey of a girl and her terrapin, as they are propelled into the seedy world of 'Opportunity Knocks', a TV talent show that offers the fame, fortune and cheap sexual favours she thinks she craves. But life backstage in the company of the Berni Flint, Bobby Crush, Tony Holland (The Muscle Man), Peters and Lee, Lena Zavaroni, Max Boyce, Paper Lace and Tony Monopoly, isn't everything it's cracked up to be, either for the girl or her terrapin. And when other reptile acts arrive on the scene ... it's pop carnage!"!
Including the hit songs ""Ziggy, Zaggy" and "Tell Me What You Really Want And I'll Fetch It From The Chemist Next Time I Go" as well as several other best-forgotten tunes, VIVA FOR THE TIME BEING! hits all the wrong notes for an 'I wish we hadn't bothered' night out. So vice up your life with this exasperating new musical that celebrates pet-ownership, carpentry and just being who you really, really don't wanna be... "
[Syndling St Nicholas Sun]
Asked if the target audience was ready for yet another bunch of old women trying to recreate their youth and make a quick buck, Mr Mayne-Chance was unsure. "I haven't a clue", he said, "it was their idea, they needed the money and we thought 'well, what the f**k' ".
The Vice Girls are set to return to a social club near you. Promotors have warned that body doubles have been employed in all publicity shots and that tickets are strictly non-returnable in the event the "girls" do not look as depicted.