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Band Of Shame

Bracelet, wristband and bangle retailer Threadbands was said to have been "rocked to the core" today amidst accusations of sub-standard manufacturing of some of its high-end designer products. Particularly affected, understands, are items in its prestige Shelley-Lulette Sizemore designed gentlemen's wrist-wear range. The prestige market-stall retailer has not been immune to such accusations in the past, several of its products having failed to meet basic European standards according to a survey conducted by Dorset consumer magazine: What the F**k Is This? .

Launched in 2016 amidst a flurry of celebrity-based advertising, the S-LS Not Just for Him range was an immediate hit with the public. Customers queued for miles around several major Dorset markets to get their hands on the must-have items. Especially popular was the Professor B braided cotton and leatherette macho-band said to bring "an element of the sun-drenched beach-dwelling alpha-male to the testicularly-challenged citizens of Sutton Poyntz and similar towns and cities".

Recently, however, several products from the range have been failing after less than 3 years of constant wear. "I'd expect better from a designer label", says Kieran Zeta-Male whose "KOS" wristband (the second most expensive design in the Professor B braided cotton and leatherette macho-band range) broke earlier today. "I'm devastated. I feel like my pheromones are diminished, that I've lost all testosterone and am just an ordinary town council clerk once again. Wearing that band gave me dignity and purpose as well as a fetching swagger. I know everyone thought I looked a t**t but for me it was confidence in a twisted string".

A spokesperson for the company insisted that Threadbands were looking into the source of the "allegedly" faulty products and would be conducting a thorough in-house investigation into the integrity of the entire manufacturing and supply chain. "We take these things very seriously", Verity Seriously said. "When people buy our products they are not just investing in an object, but purchasing a lifestyle and leasing a slice of our corporate prestige. Understandably, they expect an awful lot for their £1.25".

In the meantime the Kos bracelets have been withdrawn from sale, though the Ibiza and Majorca range could still be found on Winfrith Newburgh market for £0.75-£0.99 this morning.

The consumer watchdog pages of the Sydling St Nicholas Sun were quick to denounce Threadbands, manufacturer and retailer of the S-LS range of alpha-male wrist-wear. Consumer editor Connie Suma-Edita vows there is "something rotten in the state of Threadbands - and I will have it out!"

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