A Little Something For The Christmas Weekend
In its first new product launch in nearly two years, Threadbone Laboratories (a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Threadbone Corporation) has announced the addition of a festive crispbread to its thrupiecediet™ range. Suitable for "all food wierdos" the zero-calorie, super-polymerised, de-hydrogenated fluff-based comestible is guaranteed organic matter free and is certified safe for animal as well as human consumption.
Speaking at the launch, Threadbone Laboratory Chief Nutritional Scientist and Belgian women's football international Edie Bio-Hazard described the product as "so devoid of any material known to the natural world as to be completely allergen-free and suitable for anyone with an intolerance to any known food substance - wheat, lactose, gluten, protein etc etc."
New for the thrupiecediet™ range, Pigs in Blankets are suitable for all and are even safe for domestic pets (if in doubt consult your local veterinary practitioner).
Launched in time for the lucrative seasonal "wierdo food" market, thrupiecediet™ Pigs in Blankets are the ideal treat for the turkey-hating misanthrope whose idea of a perfect Christmas spread is a fish paste sandwich wrapped in a Playboy centre-fold. That said, Threadbone Laboratories are keen to emphasise that the new snack is not a "niche product" but something that will appeal to all ages, tastes and ethnicities. "There are plenty of people out there with strange ideas about food, about what is good for them and what leads to digestive discomfort - including, for example, trapped wind. Equally there are any number of unfathomable religious prohibitions and taboos. By having no discernible content, thrupiecediet™ Pigs in Blankets bypass all that moral/ethical/theological c**p. At the same time, they could, however, substitute for communion wafers if there is an unexpected run on the conventional ones in the run up to our blessed saviour's big day."
"So to everyone out there", she continued, " I want to say, try our new Pigs in Blankets on a six month trial basis and if you are not absolutely sick of them by then, we will send you a week's supply absolutely free of charge (NB £25 postage and packing per 5 pack apples) ".
So will Ms Bio-Hazard be feeding the new must-try seasonal savoury super snack to members of her own family? The Threadbone Laboratory chief nutritional scientist and Belgian women's football international was coy. "Certainly not", she said, "we enjoy our food in Belgium and it will be a huge bowl of frites and mayonnaise for Christmas dinner as usual".
Ms Bio-Hazard has been capped for her country 55 times and has scored 2 ogs. She has also represented Tarrant Rushton in the All-Dorset Open-Sandwiches Championships.