The traditional inspirational Christmas Message - penned personally by Mrs Amanda J Threadbone and released via the Threadbone Corporation Office of Corporate Public Reassurance - has been released via the Threadbone Corporation Office of Public Relations Reassurance, Great Heaving.
A couple - who may or may not be Mrs Amanda J Threadbone [Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore surely [ed]]and ex-Spanish Boy-Scout Enrique de los Chicos Perdidos and who cannot be identified for legal reasons - stand outside Threadbone Hall, the country seat of Mrs Amanda J Threadbone from which today's inspirational message was issued.
Originally conceived as a private message to DHRA members from their President (FOR LIFE), the message was often passed secretly to non-members who, it was widely asserted, benefitted just as greatly from its uplifting tone. Such was the clamour for wider distribution that the Threadbone Corporation announced in 2016 that it would be made available in future to the general public for a nominal fee. Now anyone with Threadbone Narrow Band Dial-Up (£86 per month, £500 installation fee, 6 year contract, no cancellation, Terms and Conditions apply) can access the Great Heaving link and download the message "free of charge". [Check this with Dorset Trading Standards [Ed]]
Dorset mental health charity MINDTHEGAP's Gussage All Saints Branch Manager - Doreen Lowe-Estéme - believes that the message can indeed bring comfort to those in need of "a good old shake up". "We think of it as an example to some and a warning to others", she said, "though we don't recommend that anyone suffering Christmas Underpreparation Pressure Syndrome (CUPS) should read it alone or without a fortified beverage to hand - that would just be silly and irresponsible ... if in doubt readers should ask a friend if they've got one or a relative if not".
A spokesperson for the Great Heaving Multinational Conglomerate said that the message was designed to bring cheer to all at a difficult time and in a difficult year. "The message is designed to bring cheer to all at a difficult time and in a difficult year", he said. "So we think it's timely... given this is a difficult time in a difficult year".
DHRA Members and Threadbone Narrowband Dial-Up Customers can access Mrs Threadbone's message HERE