Boneywood Studios, Dorset
thrupiecefilm executives have announced today that their intended Christmas blockbuster - Mary Queen of Sorts - which was due for release in the build up to Christmas but delayed due to "circumstances beyond the studio's control" (believed to be a dodgy out-of-date batch of Threadone Laboratories 35mm Trucolour digi-film] will hit cinemas throughout the West Country from tomorrow.
Starring the avatar of Professor Thrupiece "a masterpiece of human-subject-centred CGI reconstructive art" [Dorset Human-Subject-Centred CGI Monthly] as Mary and featuring real-life appearances by Shelley-Lulette Sizemore [Elizabeth], Brenda Oats [Swan stuffed with Goose, stuffed with Turkey, stuffed with partridge, stuffed with songbird Table Decoration Centrepiece] and Jason Stourpaine [William Cecil], the bio-epic is based on the true story of Mary Halle-Berry and her friend Elizabeth King-David whose legendary acrimonious bakeoff in 1587 initiated the Spanish Tortillada.
Film critic Barry Subnormal describes the film as "execrable in almost every respect save one" ... its end titles come as the most enormous and welcome relief". Writing in this month's Dorset Film Monthly, he adds that most of the acting is more wooden than the Spanish galleons (which clearly aren't) and the writing more infantile than Jeffrey Sturmey ["You can hear the cogs turning"] Archer at his worst. "Only a guest appearance by former ballet dancer Wayne Knapp lifts the atmosphere of torpid gloom", he concludes, "he alone is worth the price of the ticket and his cod-piece accent is a hoot".
Mary Queen of Sorts opens at The Gaumont Cinema Sturminster Newton on 3rd January
LEFT: The avatar of Professor Thrupiece "performs with more warmth, charisma and genuine personality than all the live cast put together". RIGHT: Shelley-Lulette Sizemore makes a rare screen appearance as the trainee sous chef and kitchen trouble-maker Elizabeth.