The following Infomercial is brought to you by the Threadbone Corporation, a thrupieceorganisation company registered in Great Heaving.
Ever been left with a dead and no longer wanted pet on your hands? Ever wondered how to dispose of a once-loved but now surplus-to-requirements animal corpse competing for space in the overstocked garage chest freezer? Ever been asked to look after a neighbour's pet only to find it run over by an orinoco-optimus next day delivery service mega-truck and in need of quick removal before they find out what happened? Ever had the local authority refuse men refuse to empty your deceased family pet from the green bin and wondered where else you can sling it? Ever been confronted by a child wondering what that inanimate ball of fluff that used to be "Timmy" is doing lying lifeless in the corner by the vegetable rack?
Sound familiar? Then you need the services of Threadburials & Incinerations, the One-Stop Pet Disposable Solutions experts and their patent ©Incinerate-with-a-Smile technology. Atomising a pet has never been so easy or so painfree.*
* The painfree service is only guaranteed in the case of animals certified dead by an authorised veterinary practitioner either before or at the point of collection. Threadburials & Incinerations take no responsibility for the fate of animals that are unwanted but not yet deceased at the time of handover.
Threadburials' patent ©Incinerate-with-a-Smile technology Furnace Operations Manager
Ted Manic is proud to guarantee an efficient service, a welcoming smile and a warm
reception - especially for your ex-pet. "I'd say about 250º C", he says.
Losing a family pet can be traumatic - especially for the pet - but it needn't always be bad news. Just think how hygienic the garden could be with no more piled up ("we were too lazy to throw them next door") turds lying around. More importantly, think of a canine, feline, avine, equine, bovine, ovine, lumbricine, porcine, ranine, hercine, hirundine, corvine, leporine, bubaline, murine, passerine, piscine, falconine, caprine, scolopendrine or any other -ine death as an opportunity to come face-to-face the friendly and efficient services of Threadburials & Incinerations - the One-stop Pet Disposal Solutions experts with a stylish casket and an inspirational word for every pet mortality-related circumstance**.
** NB Our crocodiline embalming service attract a premium charge due to the significantly larger quantities of fluid required as well as the risks associated with inadvertent snagging. Please ask for a size- and denture-related assessment before agreeing terms.
Just pick up the phone and ask us to call around. One of our post-mortem operators will be there in a trice with free advice and a copy of our stylish Burial and Incinerations Options Catalogue offering you the widest choice of conscience-salving solutions from our range of stylish boxes, urns and non-bio-degradable "burpable" plastic containers. We'll even turn your former pet into a stylish ash-tray, foot stool or letter opener***. And, whilst we are there, why not ask about our range of copyright inscriptions, mots justes and embroidered pet-themed antimacassars? Just the thing to keep painful memories of adorable little Nutkins and his furry friends alive and hurtful.
***NB Some pets are more suitable for post-mortem use than others. Generally speaking long, thin animals with razor-sharp teeth or beaks make better letter-openers, pipe-cleaners and anti-intruder fence posts; rounder ones are generally good for ash-trays, serving dishes and biblically-themed wall plaques. Consult one of our especially-trained Post-mortem Product Advisors for further details.
Threadburials & Incinerations are well-recognised in most pet-related arenas for their excellence in all pet-disposal matters, though they are not registered with the Dorset Responsible Animal-Disposals Authority and have twice been prosecuted for fly-tipping and the illegal dumping of toxic organic matter.
The "Jimmy" casket from Threadburials & Incinerations - just one in a range of stylish compressed cardboard wood-effect boxes designed to making parting with your much-loved pooch as heart-wrenching and expensive as possible.