New from the Makers of Sexychoc®
Food and media Giant Hornimint have today announced the latest in their range of Sexychoc products, the after dinner confectionary snacks designed "to get her in the mood and him in the driving seat". But it isn't just the new product itself that has connoisseur of the postprandial semi-erotic dark arts excited; rather the change in marketing direction which, for the first time in the Company's history, acknowledges that it might not always be "her" who needs help and encouragement in the bedroom-related, intimate activity, ballpark arena.
Extensive inquiries amongst serial users of Sexychoc products have suggested to researchers that it is, on occasion, Mr Not-Quite-So-Right who is the "bone of contention"' when it comes to legalised after dinner rumpy-pumpy with 8 out of every 10 respondents admitting that, after a champagne reception and five course blow-out followed by port and cigars, they are not always "firing on all cylinders in the horizontal jogging department".
'Asked: "After a champagne reception and five course blow-out followed by port and cigars, are you always firing on all cylinders in the horizontal jogging department?" 8 out of every 10 regular Sexychoc users admitted that in 7 out of 10 cases were not', says Threadbone Research Diagnostics' Chief Analyst - Py Graff. 'And of the two that were, one in two [roughly half] agreed that adding piccalilli and Dubonnet into the dietary mix further reduced the chances of "going all the way" by a factor of 4', adds Deputy Head of Statistical Analysis [Ireland] - Dr Hyst O'Gramm. "It's becoming a real problem for many men who are finding that as a result the pressures of a goal-oriented, success-dependent "out there" lifestyle they are overextended on all fronts save the one that matters most", she added, with the voice of experience clearly ringing in her ear.
So to address this serious problem of post-pradial, pre-coital, ante-somnum hysteresis, Hornimint scientists have developed a new product: Niagra [The Rich Dark Chocolate Envelope] which, the company claims, is the natural confectionary antidote to temporary male bedroom-related dysfunction*.
*Including the common side-effects of a champagne reception and five course blow-out followed by port and cigars - ie chronic flatulence, bad breath, furry mouth and unregulated forgetfulness.
Not to be confused with a small blue pill of similar name, Niagra Rich Dark Chocolate Envelopes are 100% natural, tasty and easy to unpack (crucial when the mood is more or less upon one) and easy to consume even on the fullest stomach. They can be used, say the manufacturers, "with or without your regular partner in mind".
Available over the counter through most High Street Confectioners, the product launch will be supported by a high profile celebrity advertisement campaign fronted by self-confessed coital dysfunctionalist and former Todber United striker Orften Floppé - the man who - famously "couldn't score even with it gaping in front of him" [see serial entries in the Sydling St Nicholas Sun Matchday Specials 2007-17]. Orften has been praised by fellow sufferers for his willingness to standout and stand firm on the issue - something, he says, he could not have done before taking Niagra in clinical trials held early last year.
"Those little Rich Dark Chocolate Envelopes have changed my life", he says, "I was flat broke and forgotten, but now thanks to the advertising campaign I have £200 in the bank and a 150cc moped that easily gets me to Waitaminutes for the weekly shop".
Popular celebrity footballer Orften Floppé will front a high profile campaign designed to highlight the virtues of 100% natural Niagra [The Rich Dark Chocolate Envelope].