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A seasoned Artisanal Baked-goods Researcher Writes

As a seasoned, yet wholly impartial artisanal baked-goods researcher I am often asked: following major trauma, which is is the preferable "produit conçu pour aider à la récupération"; the pain au raisin or the pain au chocolat? The answer to this question is by no means straightforward tinged as it must inevitably be by the "malédiction de notre temps": undisclosed and perhaps even unacknowledged racism, sexism and new-wave definition-fluid hyper-allergyism.

Only yesterday, for example, I read a damning account of the pain au chocolat in the Sydling St Nicholas Sun in which its proven 100% responsibility for pain au chocolat-based dental incidents was contrasted to the relatively trouble-free (though possibly criminally-implicated) track record of its lighter cousin the pain au raisin. [See Sir Rising Crimewave: "Raisin ou Chocolat: le Personnage sombre dans la Pile de Bois" [Royal Dorset Constabulary Report, 2018]]. Could it be that the darker tinge of the chocolate-based confectionary as well as its self-evident appeal to "la sexe plus faible" is largely responsible for its bad press? It is a question surely worth asking.

Happily we have more than anecdotal evidence on which to draw to settle this matter. A survey in 1946 revealed that 100% of French women had heard of a pain au chocolat, whereas 100% of Dorset men working in the canine de-worming sector had not; proof if it were needed of both an inbuilt gender and a racial bias in shop-bought confectionary cognition [see Gratte Tête's magisterial account of the French and their fallibilities in "Les Français sont une race très étrange de personnes" [trans Colonel Cedric "Bonkers" Bloodstock] [Threadbone Modern Classics in Translation [2008]].

So to return to the matter at hand: should a patient suffering from severe frontal-lobe blunt-force trauma be offered le chocolat or le raisin? My advice is:

  1. First ensure that the patient is breathing

  1. Place them in the recovery position

  1. If they are conscious and able to speak ask them for their Debit or Credit Card number in case an order is likely to be forthcoming

  1. Ascertain their baked-goods preference by offering both alternatives. ADVICE: Do not overcomplicate matters by mentioning éclaires, charlottes, madeleines or tartes. Traumatised patients suffering life-threatening injuries are seldom able to concentrate for long or make fully-informed judgements when multiple choice multi-layered and finely nuanced options are in play.

A reckless teenager - unaware that cycling on cobbles (even without bicycle clips) can cause aggravated gingivitis - could be guilty of subconscious institutionalised racism, sexism and baked-goods-ism o-if, on recovery, he choses the wrong option for his pain. Treat him with caution until you ascertain his racial preferences.

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