A Cashless Society

The Chief Cashier of the Bank of Tuckton was forced to intervene today following sharp falls in the value of the Dorset pound and mounting evidence that shoppers were seeing prices in their local Edna’s, ThreadboneExtras and Waitaminute Superstores rise by more than 30,000% in a single day. The Bank has bought all 40 shares in the Hengistbury Head Bucket and Spade Emporium in an attempt to reassure markets and stabilise transactions in the seasonally volatile beach souvenirs and accessories sector.

Market turmoil and a plummeting pound have followed the announcement by Kwerty Keyboard - the DHRA’s Treasurer - that the price of Association’s premiere subscription was to be lowered and expenditure on stationery increased despite a recent “haemorraghing” of both members and subscriptions. A spokesperson for the DHRA’s Finance and General Purposes Committee said that the decision to put the finances of the Association in extreme and unnecessary peril was a calculated one designed to wrong-foot its critics and confound its enemies. He/she/they denied it had backfired. Opposition leader Sir Dier Alturnativ has demanded that the DHRA’s planned annual Away Day to Canford Cliffs be cancelled and an emergency AGM be called instead. ”We are witnessing a self-inflicted economic implosion of the Treasurer’s own making”, Sir Dier said, adding that “it is the ordinary members who are suffering whilst the richest 5% are getting relief on the price of inter-library loans they can well afford”.

Finding money in a draw used to be a source of excitement, but after today's collapse, this draw was described by pensioner Kronik Hoarder as "just a pile of old crap".

Arguing that the charabanc had already been booked [on a non-returnable deposit] and that, like its 80 year-old driver rapidly approaching a sharp hairpin bend, she was “not for turning”, recently installed DHRA Chair Mrs Evadne Bustier-Corselet said her programme of fiscal loosening would prove “a great liberation for women”. After addressing the DHRA’s Steering Committee and [according to an anonymous source] surviving a vote of no-confidence, she denied that shedding all restraints had been a mistake and denied also that she was now “wobbling”, insisting rather that she had “had an unusually large lunch and was perhaps a little less toned than usual following several holidays abroad”. She also explained that she was “yet to pass a motion” and could not do so until the DHRA was properly re-opened in October.

Economist Sterlings Fooked has seen market turmoil before but considers the present crisis to be the worst since the last crisis which he also did not forsee.

Renowned Domestic Scientist and Household Economist Sterlings Fooked said: "many experts were expecting and some were even looking forward to a day when we could be described as a "cashless society" but the DHRA leadership has given the phrase an altogether new meaning - I mean there really is no cash left - nada, zilch, nothing".