A Fascist Dictator Dictates

When a fascist dictator dies, his death does not necessarily mean the end of fascist dictatorship or indeed the end of a the fascist dictator himself. Take self-proclaimed "Man of Steel" Josef Stalin for example - and he was no fascist dictator - even his influence is still keenly felt in many parts of the former USSR where terrified citizens expect him to pop up any moment bearing instruments of torture [out-of-print Val Doonican LPs] or possibly artists brushes - see Vissarionovich the Visionary HERE].

Spanish couples frequently report being visited by a smiling Generalissimo Franco whist watching daytime television. Here Jose and Juanita are watching the ever popular " Buenos Dias España". He is pushing her buttons whilst she grabs his nuts.

As fascist dictator of Spain for many years, I am well-known for my high spirits and ability to surprise - see for example my recent appearance as Generalissimo Franco on the Spanish edition of Stars in their Eyes [Estrellas en Sus Ojos - though the double entendre doesn't really doesn't translate] - wherein I performed the Franco Sinestra hit song "My Way - or No Way" alongside Una Sola Dirección tribute band Una Sola Dirección. Admittedly we came next to last but that was in no way down to me! Damn that Harry de Estilos* and his wonky piano accordion.

* Not to be confused with Harry Stiles of Harry Stiles and his Skifflemen a chance encounter with whom revived the flagging career of Excelsior Cafe, Lyme Regis pre-war thés dansants regulars Ferguson Thrupiece and his Café Orchestra, transforming them overnight into washboard sensations Fenando Mediantepiezza and his Latin Rhythm.

During his active years on the cocktail circuit Professor Thrupiece gained a solid reputation for pinching sausages from under the noses of equally eligible bachelors. Here he grabs "a cheeky one" from a youthful Audrey Badminton-Court. Ms Notso-Pointy pretends not to notice!

I believe many people in Dorset have had similar experiences of the "perhaps not dead" in the personage of the "missing presumed disappeared" Professor of Culinary Bioethics, Professor Brian Thrupiece. He's no facist dictator either and, though semi-stiffened, has not even been embalmed; yet he is often "spotted" by those of unsound mind at concerts, symposia, celebrity shop openings and light-finger buffer receptions county wide [see Sydling St Nicholas Sun "Professor Thrupiece pinched my sausage", passim].

No, a fascist dictator is not just for Christmas [which we often abolish anyway] and whether dead, alive, or just awaiting a touch-up from Bruce Willis [see Death Becomes Her], we are always with you in spirit. [Usually formaldehyde, glutaraldehyde and methanol [3 parts CH2O (H-CHO) to 1 part CH2O (R-CHO)]. Other chemicals are available.]

All this is, of course, by way of pre-amble. What I really wish to say is this:

I take the greatest offence at your decision to publish a letter from well-known counter-revolutionary and ex-Spanish Boy Scout Enrique de los Chicos Perdidos in which the infamous Dorset Nut-Tightener has the temerity to question the popularity and quality of my storytelling on the ever popular Spanish Radio programme Listen with Franco. At its peak, the programme was heard by 100% of the Spanish public and my reworking of The Old Curiosity Shop - in which I used more than sixteen different voices - was voted Spanish Radio Reworked Dickens Novel of the Year for more than twenty years in succession! I am not without a sense of humour, but this kind of gratuitous and puerile lampooning of a former national treasure is really too much. As I said to my friends Adolf and Benito when we chanced to meet in Costcutters, Bradpole the other day: "As soon as your back's turned and they think its safe ... they've got you in hush puppies and a shorty-raincoat harmonising Underneath the Archers. They didn't try that on when we were patear el culo comunista!"

Dictated and signed in his [temporary] absence

Generalissimo Franco