It has come to our attention that our caption editor, in a moment of linguistic infelicity in a previous communiqué may have given the impression that the staff of professorthrupiece.com believe that Sir Rising Crimewave once did a great job, but no longer does so. Nothing could be further from the truth. The respect in which the RDC Chief Constable is held in our offices and, indeed, throughout the various intersecting companies that make up both the thrupieceorganisation and the Threadbone Corporation could not be more genuine nor more heartfelt. No organisation in the West Country - or even farther afield - can boast such a continuous record of support for Sir Rising and his team as ours [certainly not the Sydling St Nicholas Sun [Ed]] and we are proud of the support, encouragement and well-deserved praise we have heaped upon Sir Rising and his admirable men [and women [Ed]] as they have sought, not always successfully, to hold back the tide of crime, unpleasantness, police brutality and unnecessary social progress throughout our land.
To be clear: Sir Rising does a fine job. It is hardly his fault - or that of his men [and women - for f**k's you've got to get this kind of thing right or they'll be on us like a ton of bricks [Ed]] - if crime rates are up [133%] and clear-up rates down [5% in 2018] or that the great Fifehead Magdalene Christmas Tree Thefts of November 2017 [HERE] remain unsolved or that the Official Dorset Police Naughty Advent Calendar initiative failed to produce the desired results [HERE]. As Sir Rising cogently explained at the time "The last of these is entirely the fault of my personal human-shield Deputy Chief Constable, Commander Reginald Backup for whom I have the greatest respect and in whom I have the greatest faith".
No, Sir Rising does a fine job and we humbly submit that he should be allowed to continue to do so. In these enlightened times, age and mental impairment should be no barrier to carrying on in a post provided that the incumbent has the support of the public. Even when - as in Sir Rising's case - this last element is missing, mitigating circumstances and a good track record [are we sure about this? [Ed]] - should trump competence and qualification. We say: give age a chance and good luck to you sir!! We also send best wishes to Lady Crimewave who we understand is convalescing with her sister in her beautiful holiday home near Lyme Regis.
****OFFICIAL ABJECT APOLOGY ENDS HERE****
ED: Now that that bollocks is done with, can you check the final paragraph before we go live: Might "In these enlightened times, age and mental impairment should be no barrier to carrying on in a post" be misinterpreted as meaning we think he's old and mentally impaired? Get the lawyers on it. We don't want to have to write another pile of gobshite tomorrow.