From: The Reverend Chaste DD
The Vicarage, Church of Our Lady of the Ingrowing Toenails, Winterborne Herringston
Am I alone in detecting an insidious trend over the last 12-14 months? Frequent perusal of your many communications, publications and digitized offerings indicates to my mind a tendency to assert, without qualification or caveat, that Professor Brian Thrupiece and Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore were known to each other in the biblical sense. Phrases such as "horizontal jogging partner", "fellow rumpy-pumpy enthusiast" and "co-boner" [one could go on] have crept into the language of your reports in ways wholly unjustified by the actual known facts.
All that we know for certain is that the Professor - who had no great reputation as a ladies man - regarded Ms Sizemore as his muse, inspiration and companion, that they lived together in an admittedly small cottage in Chilfrome for several years and that they took several trips abroad together including their last infamous 2004 [sometimes given, mistakenly, as 2005] Swiss sojourn. Whilst it must be admitted that, on the balance of probability, she was frequently naked in his company [the paintings, drawings and photographs are eloquent on the subject] why should we fall into the modern trap of assuming that nakedness always results in congress?* Ms Sizemore herself has been commendably reticent on the subject, confining any consideration of the matter to her fictionalised hemi-demi-semi-autobiographical Scene of the Crime [HERE]. Readers of that unputdownable account will be aware that she is notably inexplicit in her references to any matters that might reasonably be characterised as falling into the "S" category.
*See Genesis 1 to 11"Adam and Eve" for an alternative view [Ed]]
For the record, my wife and I have been naked together on several occasions over the last thirty-five or so years and to say that the idea of "going further" or, "doing something about it" has ever crossed either of our minds is, to say the least, unnecessary and bordering on the insulting. Is control a thing of the past?
So my plea is this: please let us not project onto others thoughts that might merely be our own. As standards slip, behaviour deteriorates and everything is reduced to a cess-pit of sexual incontinence, can we not properly honour the memory of those who stood above it all and not sully them with the base degeneracy of our own grubby era?
Church of Our Lady of the Ingrowing Toenails, Winterborne Herringston
Editor's Note: Probably NOT.