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A Royal Household Expert Writes

As a Royal Household Expert, I am often asked [i] Was Professor Brian Thrupiece ever awarded the knighthood with which he is sometimes credited? [ii] If so, why was this? [iii] If not, why not? and [iv] Is Renault Meghan, wayward wife of former Stringbonefellow's co-owner "Prince" Humphrey Whisky-McNightly, completely insane?

The answer to these four related [except for the last one] questions is by no means straightforward, given the secrecy with which the Honours system works and, bound up as it is, in the labyrinthine workings of the Royal Household. For brevity's sake, however, it is possible to venture responses along the following lines: [i] not sure, [ii] open to debate, [iii] almost impossible to know and [iv] without question.

The lot of a Royal Household Expert is not always an easy one. Tricky questions arise, some of which are almost impossible;e to answer.

By way of background it might be helpful to add that the uncertainty regarding Professor Brian Thrupiece's knighthood has remained for some time a matter of dispute. Certainly the Professor himself never used the title though whether through natural reluctance [he never even admitted that he had once advised the late Duke of Edinburgh against eating quails eggs at WWF conservation lunches] or because he above all others knew that it had not been granted to him remains unknown. Conversely most American sources style the Professor "Sir Brian", though again this may merely be evidence of typically sloppy practice amongst former colonials who have never properly understood the English class system. Both Mrs Threadbone and Mrs Whisky-McNightly have been obstinately silent on the matter though each has made oblique and tantalisingly ambiguous references, the former at her husband's immolation ceremony, the latter on 4th May 2015 in a Church Fete opening speech during the Summer festival of Our Lady of the Projectile Vomiting, Fromechurch.

For many, the idea that a man as distinguished as Professor Thrupiece would not receive a grateful nation's due recognition is simply unfathomable, but we should not forget that it was not uncommon for great men of humble origins who rose to distinction in the sciences through hard graft and intellectual labour to be completely ignored by the establishment throughout the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. [Qualification in the 1950s required one to be a either a well-born serial adulterer or a gynaecologist to the landed gentry, whilst in the 1960s favour tended to fall upon the mop-haired rhythm combos much admired by the late Sir Harold Wilson. In the 1970s qualification seemed to revolve around the ability to blackmail various minsters involved in the export of restricted materials to former colonies "sorting themselves and their historic tribal rivalries out" through the disproportionate use of high grade weapon


A memorial stone commissioned from celebrated mortuary artists Threadbone Stonemasons to commemorate the "late" Professor Brian Thrupiece and places in the foyer of the Headquarters of the thrupieceorganisation in Great Heaving sharply divided Dorset opinion; not least because it implied that he was dead and, by omitting the "Sir", added weight to the belief that professor Thrupiece was never knighted.

In the absence of reliable documentation and/or oral testament, the tenacious Royal Household Expert is moved to explore the artifactual evidence; particularly grave inscriptions [inappropriate in this case since no grave yet exists], church memorials and other plaques associated, for instance, with building-naming ceremonies, pageant-rich supermarket/office opening memorabilia or Prize Fund accreditations [including certificates, book-marks and cigarette cards]. In no single case is the evidence concerning g Professor Thrupiece definitive. The plaque in the great entrance foyer of the thrupieceorganisation headquarters in Great Heaving, for example, is "sans Sir" [it is, however, deficient in several respects, mixing capital and lower case letters in the Professor's name and recording a death date - the latter the result of infighting allied to wishful thinking amongst Threadbone Corporation Board members at the time], whilst the regimental plaque in the Parish Church of Our Lady of the Mutilated Tibias, Corfe Mullen includes the "Sir" amongst several honourifics in the choir-stall embellishments.

The regimental plaque in the Parish Church of Our Lady of the Mutilated Tibias, Corfe Mullen. One of the few examples of an authentic "Sir" to be found anywhere in Dorset.

However of one thing we can be absolutely certain: had the knighthood been awarded it would undoubtedly have been given for Services to Culinary Bio-ethics or, if not, then diplomacy, or the arts, or space exploration, or sport or philosophy or entrepreneurship, or humanity, or famine relief, or most likely of all, horizontal jogging.

So where does this leave us in the case of Professor "Sir" Brian Thrupiece and the questions with which we began? [i] Was Professor Brian Thrupiece ever awarded the knighthood with which he is sometimes credited : perhaps, possibly, maybe yes, probably not [ii] If so, why was this: because he was a great man who transcended his disadvantaged background to become a world leading figure at a time when world leading figures did not ordinarily arise from disadvantaged backgrounds [iii] If not, why not: because he lived in a world of prejudice when, despite their manifold achievements, great men from disadvantaged backgrounds were not allowed to transcend their humble origins to join the great and the good and [iv] Is Renault Meghan, wayward wife of former Stringbonefellow's co-owner "Prince" Humphrey Whisky-McNightly, completely insane: absolutely, without question, beyond peradventure, mad as a box of frogs.

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