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A Sporting Chance?

Fans of the Dorset Premiere League were in something less than a frenzy today following news that the CONTRIK-69-interrupted season will finally resume on Saturday. Having seen no Premiere League football for several months, many had happily forgotten all about it, resumed normal ulcer-free family life and discovered the joys of dogging instead. One fan who wished to remain anonymous said, "Instead of watching 22 men kick a ball, I have gotten used to 22 men having a ball and the great thing about dogging is the wife gets to join in". "With dogging, everyone who wants to scores and it's not just the excitement that mounts."

Many believe that the decision to resume League fixtures under artificial conditions, changed rules [18 minutes each half, 15 substitutes, all-in-one boiler suits, compulsory motorcycle helmets and no player to be within spitting distance of another] has been taken for commercial rather than sporting reasons - a major factor being that official broadcaster Thrupiece TV had threaten to sue for the return of £687 billion pounds paid to the League for rights to show the final three matches.

Doggong - the new football, but not quite Premiere League

The closure of stadiums and the absence of spectators is cited as yet another reason why "it just won't be the same". Sources close to ThrupieceTV have promised to make watching from home "as engaging as possible", claiming that they will experiment with a number of systems designed to make watching a game feel "more real". "We will introduce canned laughter whenever a player falls over, computer-generated foul language channelLed through pitch-side speakers whenever the referee "cocks it up", and virtual groans whenever VAR or goal-line technology is deployed." The same sources denied the company were considering employing a number of women currently furloughed from Stringbonefellows to streak at moments of extreme dullness. ["That one's on the back-burner pending a re-evaluation after Saturday's match'.]

Saturday's match features current title non-challengers Mannington City versus middle table Alderholt - a match of such monumental insignificance that even Mannington City executives are struggling to summon up interest. "We have printed a Souvenir Programme from the match 50 years ago in a pathetically transparent effort to suggest significance and generate excitement, but I am not sure it will work; not least because our kiosks are closed and there's no one to buy it. We did think of distributing it online but we couldn't find anyone interested in taking on the job. Everyone we phoned seemed to have found a new interest in canine pets. At least we think that's what it is. All the answering machines said "We're closed. Gone dogging".

Souvenir Programme from the 1960 Mannington City v Alderholt game: ironically a reminder of days when football was worth watching. Mannington City won 28-19.


Executives at Thrupiece TV are considering replacing Sunday's 8pm kick-off between Alton St Pancras Rovers and Burton Bradstock Academicals with a documentary on dogging. Audience research has suggested that 200 times more people are likely to watch the latter; with or without artificial sound effects.

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