top of page

An Emoti Con?

Sponsored by SnakeOil Vaccines Ltd™®, "celebrating several months of the "Delta Variant", whilst keenly anticipating the arrival of its even more concerning cousin: the Epsilon [Ε ε] variant!" has learned that lawyers for the Threadbone Corporation are seriously considering legal action against the super-rich and super-powerful owners of a well-known worldwide interweb chat application. Citing breach of copyright and acting on behalf of several parent companies - including The Threadbone Corporation, the thrupieceorganisation, Hornimint and AJTCorps - Messrs Threadbone, Threadbone and Threadbone will challenge social media conduit - WhatsUpChuck - over the use of a so-called emoticon hidden deep eithin WhatsUpChuck's operating system but nevertheless widely available for use by those deploying its electronic messaging services. Already described as the Battle of the Corporate Giants, The Multi-National Fight of the Century and the Grumble in the Concrete Jungle, the case is headed straight for the Dorset High Courts unless a compromise deal can be struck in the next 72 hours.

Many readers will, of course, be unfamiliar with the concept of electronic communication and will, rightly, be more concerned about the availability of black-blue fountain pen cartridge supplies at a time of national economic crisis, debilitating basic commodity shortages and increasingly poor check-out experiences at their local branch of W H Smithscrisps. However, arcane as the present legal altercation may seem to most, this is, says senior Threadbone Threadbone and Threadbone partner, Joshua Threadbone, a high stakes matter. "The world of electronic messaging is expanding on a daily basis, in part because of the perceived need to replace words with symbols as the nation becomes increasingly inarticulate and stringing together a whole sentence becomes a major challenge to anyone under the age of 74. Whereas even our grandmothers could write out a decent shopping list longhand [ie 2 x pkts Dad's cigarettes, 3 x crates Dad's beer, a quarter of Dad's favourite boiled ham, 4 barm cakes and a milk stout], today's would-be communcator needs to express him/her/they/its-self quite differently - not least if he/she/they/it are to be understood by his/her/they/it's fellow non-inter-locutors".

Citing as an example a recent communication from a serving officer of the RDC following an arrest of a couple in Fishpond Bottom, Mr Threadbone produced a mobile telephone displaying the message: 👫 🤒😷🤢 👢 🦴 👀 👁 👅 👄 😪 😵 🤐 🤡 💩 🤝 🙏 👣. Declining to offer a full translation he suggested only that it began: "The couple I arrested were sick and tired of walking. He got a boner, she was surprised ... etc etc"], leaving the rest to the imagination.

Next month's edition of Unique Dorset Emojies is set to expose the whole Emojigate story.

Be that as it may, one symbol in particular has upset the Great Heaving apple cart - an emoji [or is that an emoticon? [Ed]] - said by What'sUpChuck spokesperson Chatto Boxe to be "merely a generic symbol of a man with a mustache", but regarded by Threadbone Corporation lawyers as "a clear attempt to depict and capitalise on the appearance of missing presumed disappeared Culnary Bio-ethicist Professor Brian Thrupiece - a man whose image rights are highly valuable, highly regarded and therefore highly protected". Upping the stakes yet further Mr Threadbone went on to accuse the upstart communications facilitators of "cashing in on the Professor's good name and proven status as a model of communicative clarity in an attempt cynically to promote and exploit for corporative gain an association and an assurance of quality to which they have neither entitlement nor appropriately licensed access". [ie They have f***ed up [Ed].]

The Evidence: Is What'sUpChuck's emoji [LEFT] a blatant copy of The Threadbone Corporation's Happy Professor Logo? Threadbone Corporation experts believe so and are pursuing the case with characteristic vigour.

Doubtless the case - should it ever go to court - will rumble on, but whispers coming out of Great Heaving this morning suggest that an out-of-court setttlement which will see more than $25 million pass from What'sUpChuck into the pockets of Mrs Amanda J Threadbone and others is very much "on the cards". A spokesperson for What'sUpChuck declined to comment further but asked - somewhat plaintively several reporters noted - "what's the emopticon for sick as a parrot?".

Try this: [Ed]

3 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page