And Now Wash ...

As part of its ongoing campaign to systematically intimidate, terrify and control all Dorset children, The Dorset Country-wide Anti-Contrik-69 Emergency Measures Indoctrinate the Children Statutory Advisory Authority has recruited the comforting and familiar image of Professor Thrupiece to ram home its simple messages.

Though many right-thinking citizens regard this as tantamount to sacrilege - the Professor would surely not have condoned any of this nonsense, let alone endorsed "the science" behind it - the Advisory Authority has insisted it is breaking no copyright rules, nor crossing any moral boundaries in using the image.

The original image of the Professor bears a note in his own hand. It read "I think this was sketched by Aunt Harriet when I was about ten years old. The uniform is that of Batcombe Primary School. Professor Thrupiece". This say lawyers confirm that it is now more than 70 years old.

Speaking for the Board yesterday, Ivor Wright QC argued that the image was [a] familiar and therefore persuasive, [b] attractive in and of itself and [c] no longer in copyright since the image is of the Professor aged about 10 years and he [the Professor] - were he not missing presumed disappeared - would be 80 this year, meaning that more than 50 years have elapsed since the making of the image and its use in the Campaign.

Though the Threadbone Corporation [which holds all of the Professor’s image rights] declined to comment directly, sources close to CEO, CFO and President Mrs Amanda J Threadbone hinted that the Corporation was watching events with a keen eye and was not clear that Mr Wright's assertions were correct. "They are biding their time, perhaps with a view to striking back at the most opportune moment", the anonymous, off the record source said. Ms Leaky later added that the Corporation was super-vigilant and policed the Professor's image rights "like shite-hawks" [Later corrected to nighthawks.]

Though the matter may well "run and run", The Dorset Country-wide Anti-Contrik-69 Emergency Measures Indoctrinate the Children Statutory Advisory Authority remained confident that the campaign would hit home and that children everywhere - boys in particular - would heed the message. "And that", Mr Wright added, "will surely be a comfort to us all".