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And The First Shall Be Last

In a surprising departure from tradition, this year's Great Heaving Honours List reflects the choices, not of Mrs Amanda J Threadbone [Founder, Patron and Chief [Sole] Member of the Nomination's Committee] but that of recently departed Temporary Acting Assistant Pro-tem Deputy Vice-Deputy DHRA PM Doreen Travis-Perkins. Honouring a relatively minor official such as the Temporary Acting Assistant Pro-tem Deputy Vice-Deputy DHRA PM in this way is not wholly unprecedented [in 1983 Mrs Threadbone accorded the privilege to the then extant Mr Threadbone on condition he "did as he was told"] but it is certainly unusual.

Critics of the honours scheme - which, over the years, has seen a number of controversial figures "inappropriately lauded for their feeble and a**e-licking services to the great panjandrum"* were quick to point out a possible element of deflection in the decision to enable Ms Travis-Perkins in this way, with some accusing Mrs Threadbone of “smuggling” her own choices by forcing Ms Travis-Perkins to “front them” for her. As we know from experience, the Great Heaving buck rarely stops for long on the Chief Executive’s desk.

*unidentified source. The comment was later retracted under duress but made it on to several undeletable and non-Threadbone narrowband dial-up hosted social media pages

Amongst those receiving awards are: a minor functionary [OGHE], a former [failed] Brexit secretary  [MGHE], a long-forgotten pop star [OGHE, Grand Cross], a former soap actress [MGHE]], a cleaning woman who “did for” Mrs Threadbone over many years, [Order of the Bathplug] a family lawyer [who acted in Sēnor Enrique de los Chicos Perididos’ deportation case] [KCMGHE] and, in what is surely a mistake, a much-loved but-long deceased children’s entertainer who spent his final years in well-deserved oblivion [Order of the Court].

Award Recipient Mr A Functionary  [OGHE] said in a statement that, whilst he was flattered, delighted and honoured to receive the award, he would not let it go to his head, rather he would be celebrating quietly with “friends”* in his Bishop's Caundle nursing home -

*two unidentified persons with whom he has watched daytime television with for over three years but never

spoken or shared latex gloves or other hygeine-related products.

The news was announced on Mrs Threadbopne's personal social media page - a further sign that, whilst not necessarily her choice, the list has received her semi-official imprimature. A spokesperson for Mrs Threadbone insisted that there would be no further comment from her and that keen observers of the Honours Scheme would recognise that this was fully-aligned to the normal protocols surrounding the event.

That New Year's Honours List in full:

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