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Banged To Wrongs


A spokesperson for the RDC has confirmed that a man was taken into custody today and charged under CONTRIK-69 emergency legislation with "eating a pork luncheon meat sandwich in a public place". It is believed that the man - who cannot be named for operational reasons - was out for a walk [legal] with his wife [unwise] when, temporarily separated from his wife, he stopped, sat on a bench and proceeded to eat a home-made sandwich [illegal, blatant, dangerous and likely to cause a public disorder at a time of national emergency]. He was immediately surrounded by a large number of armed officers, a dog team and an anti-terrorist response unit. Police would neither confirm nor deny rumours that they had been tipped off by a man walking his dog who had earlier screamed at the couple to "keep their f***ing distance" after they strayed within 50 feet of his clearly-intended path.


Police have released photographic evidence of the man shortly before his arrest as he tries to walk away after discarding the sandwich. Operation Lunch Box had stationed more than 40 armed response officers in nearby bushes in anticipation of trouble.

"Flouting social distancing in this obvious way" [the man was less than two metres from his own outstretched sandwich-bearing hand when the offence was committed] "is not only disruptive to police operations [including coffee and lunch breaks] but dangerous, reckless and selfish", the RDC spokesperson said. "How many of our brave frontline officers would rather be eating a sandwich themselves than risking their reputations dealing with irresponsible sandwich-eaters who take every opportunity to stretch the limits of what is permitted at this extraordinarily febrile and - for us in the force - unprecedentedly exciting time?", the spokesperson continued.


The visibly shaken detainee - believed to be a resident of the Castle Rising district - said that he hadn’t realised that it was illegal to stand still for more than 15 seconds in a park or that it was "a hanging offence" to eat a sandwich in a public place, adding that he was borderline hypoglycemic and that "it was only luncheon meat; I mean, had it had Branston Pickle in it, then I might understand what all the fuss is about”. It is believed that he asked for three previous offences involving, variously, cheese and onion, brawn and fish paste to be taken in to account.


Compromised evidence? Lawyers insist that a good barrister and competent expert testimony could easily establish that this is not a luncheon meat sandwich and that there has been serious "contamination" in the RDC's chain of custody.

In a separate statement Lady Crimewave - wife of the RDC chief constable Sir Rising Crimnewave - said that she was as puzzled as anyone by the turn of events. “I was out walking with my husband - we had taken a few homemade sandwiches with us to sustain us on our walk - when he wandered off alone for a few moments whilst I did a quick needful behind the most beautiful azaleas. When I regained the path he was remonstrating, stick raised, with about 40 police officers who then took him into custody. I have no idea when he will be home but I guarantee you one thing: his tea will be stone cold and he won’t be best pleased about that!

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