Barcio Beiciau

Our Miscellaneous Findings Editor, Ran Domkrappe writes:


Here in the luxurious, state-of-the-art, hi-tech, next generation penthouse offices - at the heart of the worldwide inter-web digi-communications hub that it the heartbeat of the professorthrupiece.com empire - coming into work on a daily basis is, without question, a simple, wholesome and utterly unalloyed pleasure. As the great Dorset poet Count Downe-Wordsmith wrote "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, But to be young was very heaven!—Oh! times". Not for us then the breakfast buffet bar peloton, pretending to "be in full communication with HQ" and otherwise multi-tasking [child minding] whilst harvesting a competative salary and claiming a full London allowance in the process!


But bliss is truly magnified on a day like today when the postman [analogue of course, but occasionally reliable especially when not on strike] brings an unexpected surprise of quite stunning proportion! An original and hitherto uncatalogued Thrupiece manuscript!


We hereby proudly reproduce the text of a draft speech written on a rather battered hotel notepad and passed into our office through the H-DSAP [hand-delivered stationery analogue portal]*. An accompanying note - vital, according to artefacts experts Sotherbones, in establishing provenance - explained that the document had been found by executors of the estate of the late Revd William Peaseblossom McKnightly in the sock draw of a tallboy in the manse's spare master guest room - a room not knowingly used since Professor Thrupiece's "state" visit to Wales in 2006. Quite how he came to leave such a vital document behind or indeed managed to make his plenary address to the All Wales and Other Districts Triennial Scruples Conference may forever remain a mystery**.



* aka a letterbox [Ed]

** "One small mystery is easily cleared up however", writes our Stationery Correspondent Basildon Bond "the Pig and Whistle notepad is part of a batch of stationery "borrowed" by Professor Thrupiece in March 2004 when he was visiting a nearby laboratory facility in pursuit of an improved high capacity interlaced fluff decoupler. Several examples of his handwriting have turned up on similar paper including three shopping lists, a note to his dry cleaner and an IOU for three orgasms in the possession of Ms Shelley-Lulette Sizemore".


How lucky are we to be able to peruse this manuscript with its all too human interest and even more accretions!


THAT TEXT IN FULL


Wel bore da i chi gyd. Heddiw rwy’n siarad â chi yn Gymraeg [a] oherwydd gallaf, [b] oherwydd fel cynrychiolydd byd-eang o Thinking Dorset ac ymlyniad parhaol i Gynhadledd Tri Blynedd Scruples Cymru Gyfan a Chylchoedd Eraill, dylwn, ac [c] oherwydd, ar ôl cwblhau , fy 16 rhan ar-lein Welsh in Seconds Language Primer Course, dwi angen yr arfer. Mae Bio-foesegwyr Coginiol blaenllaw yn dal i fod, gwaetha’r modd, ymhell o fod yn ddeg-y-ceiniog, felly mae’n fy ymddwyn i “roi fy hun allan yna” a chyhoeddi o’r toeau bod problemau bio-foesegol coginiol yn bell iawn ym mha iaith bynnag y’u mynegir o syml naill ai o ran cenhedlu neu fynegiant. Hynny yw, dychmygwch geisio ystyried hyd a nifer y darnau mewn llinyn caws allwthiol ansafonol mewn iaith lle mai'r geiriau am barcio beiciau yw “barcio beiciau”!!


And for those lacking the Professor's easy facility in the Welsh tongue:


Well good morning to you all. Today I am speaking to you in Welsh [a] because I can, [b] because as a global representative of Thinking Dorset and permanent attache to the All Wales and Other Districts Triennial Scruples Conference, I should, and [c] because, having completed, my 16 part online Welsh in Seconds Language Primer Course, I need the practice. Leading Culinary Bio-ethicists are still, alas, far from ten-a-penny, so it behaves me to “put myself out there” and proclaim from the rooftops that, in whatever language they are expressed, culinary bio-ethical problems are far from straightforward either in conception or expression. I mean, imagine trying to consider the length of and number of bits/bytes in a non-standard extruded cheese-string [let alone its Thrupiece number**] in a language for which the words for bicycle parking are barcio beiciau!!


A variety of claims were made for Threadbone's Edible Cheese String Theory which was based on an original recipe developed by Professor Thrupiece as a bi-blow of the fluff-based Thrupiece Diet Research Project. These included faster than fibre-optic cable speeds, increased infant intelligence and an increase in ethically-based teenage decision making. Few of the claims survived critical scientific scrutiny.

** Professor Thrupiece was an early advocate for the value of Cheese String Theory in progressing our understanding of ethical micro-composition and cross-moraluuple structure as well as its potential deployment as a more environmentally friendly substitute for fibre-optic cable. Investment in the latter was almost single-handedly responsible for the longevity of the Threadbone Corporation's narrow-band dial up network service. Ethical micro-composition and is deconstruction occupied the Professor's thoughts a good deal in 2006 - hence his attendance at the All Wales and Other Districts Triennial Scruples Conference.


Our Science Editor Jim Alkaline-Selzer adds:


The Thrupiece Tables along with the thorny issue of simultaneously fixed, omni-valent semi-variable Thrupiece bio-ethical number sequences as well as the extraordinary work which lay behind their establishment are not fully explained in the otherwise comprehensive: Dr Brian Thrupiece [1964] Elementary Glossary of Culinary Bio-Ethical Terms. Threadbone Scientific Press / Durchstück Verlag [HERE] This was largely due to there not having been fully-elucidated by the publication date.

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