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Bottled-up Rage Against The Machinations

The world of commercial sports sponsorship was thrown into chaos yesterday when anti-corporate pro-green-sustainable-clean-living football superstar Thrupinõ threw a tantrum - and with it a commercially available fizzy drinks' bottle - during a post-match press conference. The player - believed by many to be the greatest ever to wear a Todber United shirt - has often found himself mired in controversy. "Eu nasci na polêmica" ["I was born in controversy"], he once famously stated, "e eu tenho estado em maus lençóis desde então" ["and I've been in hot water ever since"] - the latter a reference to the fact that despite his impeccable conservation credentials, he is known to favour "an early bath over a late shower".

Thrupinõ in his Dorset International colours.

Born into near poverty in the Dorset East Indies, Thrupinõ [aka Hysa Pratte] was brought to England by Mannington United's most successful ever manager, Ferguson Akexander [a distant relative of Furguson Thrupiece aka Fernando Mediantepiezza of "and his Latin American Rhythm" fame] but rapidly defected first to Real Marnhull and later to Todber United. Having won the Ballon d'Oreen several times he decided in 2017 to use his world-wide acclaim to promote a number of causes close to his heart, notably [a] personal wealth, [b] personal fame [c] trending social issues and [d] attacking corporate sponsorship deals of which he was not himself a direct beneficiary. A by now well-known row with a famous fizzy drinks manufacturer following a disagreement over image rights and screw-top caps led him to campaign fiercely against the manufacturer.

Playing down yesterday's incident, Thrupinõ's manager, Aston Vanilla, insisted that his client had "merely moved" the bottles "the better to see where the assembled journalists' questions were coming from". He insisted that his client held no animus against the company involved despite the fact that "ele os odiaria para sempre, dançaria em seus túmulos coletivos e os veria no inferno [mais tarde alterado para "vê-los no tribunal"] em vez de aceitar até mesmo um gole de sua água de mijo venenosa" ["he would hate them forever, dance on their collective graves and see them in hell" [later altered to "see them in court"] rather than accept even a mouthful of their pisenous piss-water".

Football authority DUFA [Dorset Union of Footballing Associations or, as many fans would have it, Dorset Union of Footballing Arseholes] was also keen to lower the temperature, suggesting in an official statement that the slight movement of the bottles did not in fact "cross a line" and was not "off-message" - a fact that had been confirmed by a delayed VAR check which was now "over". Officials based in Stoke Wake Park had carefully examined the footage, the DUFA spokesperson added, and had concluded that both the bottles and the player remained "onside". The statement will do little to pacify critics of DUFA, the player, the offside rule or, indeed VAR.

IN OTHER FOOTBALL NEWS: Harrison Kane-Sugar remains a Tynham Hotspur Player and is "like his football, going nowhere at the moment".

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