Busty Beach Babe Busted In Beach Bust

Updated: Jun 14, 2020


A busty brunette whose naked antics have been attracting huge lockdown-defying crowds at a number of Dorset beaches was finally arrested yesterday in a police swoop involving several helicopters, armed response officers and a large towel.

The woman who cannot be named for legal reasons but was described as 44-24-34 "Brandy" from Canford Cliffs was finally in custody last night after several weeks "on the run". "Popping up and popping out" on beaches throughout the county whenever the exhibitionist mood took her, Brandy has gained celebrity status amongst anti-lockdown and anti-social distancing activists who have named her "The busty virus buster". Several have already begun a crowd funding campaign to pay for her defence. A police spokeswoman said that the woman's antics - "she arrives unannounced, strips off all of her clothes and smiles cheerily at anyone in the vicinity before settling in a deckchair" - have proved a headache for law-enforcement personnel charged with maintaining public order and preventing the assembly of large groups of people. "A completely naked woman in a public place displaying rather more than next week's washing is intrinsically inimical to good order and frustrates any attempt on our part to enforce responsible social distancing" added Assistant Chief Constable Wrotten Clearruppe-Wraits. Or, as one of Brandy's supporters put it, "one sniff of Brandy and you can forget two metres; its more like six inches all round".


Popular amongst slimmers in the 1950s and 1960s, Stephanie Bowman sweat pants were once thought the epitome of weight-loss elegance. They could hold up to two litres of sweat. Evidently they are still in use in some parts of Dorset.

The woman's eventual arrest came in somewhat banal circumstances as an off-duty policeman, bagging one of his pet Labrador's beach turds, noticed a crowd gathering around a sleeping figure who appeared to be completely unclothed. "It wasn't until I investigated further that I realised this could be the woman whose whereabouts we had been trying to ascertain for some considerable time", PC Hiley Alert said. "After ensuring I had a proper photographic record of the woman's personal details, I then made a strategic retreat before calling for backup. In the end it all went very smoothly though the first two attempts to grab the well-oiled lady ended in ignominy. Fortunately a colleague had thought to bring along a large beach towel and we borrowed a pair of Stephanie Bowman sweat-pants from an old school weight watcher exercising nearby. After that it was relatively plain sailing through she proved quite a slippery customer right up until the time we had her properly incarcerated".


Dorset Police today warned would be copy-cat naturists to think twice before taking to the local beaches, though a flustered Press Officer who, in discussing the likelihood of further arrests, had made a number of unfortunate references to "birds in hand" and "unprotected bushes" declined to offer further guidance or clarification.

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