On what has proven to be a busy news day in Central Dorset, the press have had a hard time choosing precisely which story to feature on their front pages and for once they are far from unanimous in deciding which of the many seismic events should take centre stage.
The broadsheet Crossways Courier has chosen to highlight chief negotiator Mrs Might-Buttprobly-Wont's continuing frustrations over a fixed-price-maintenance deal on fish paste between pre-inter-post Drexit West Dorset and the West Country Union ["Pasting over the cracks has fishy smell"], whilst the tabloid Bryanston Bugle leads with an initiative to promote environmentally friendly self-destructive condoms ["Make it in five guys or fear the worst"].
The well-respected Todber Trumpet and Echo understandably focuses on the continuing efforts of Todber United to find a manager capable of leading them to a single league victory [2018-19 Season: PLAYED 38, WON 0; DRAWN 1; LOST 37; GOALS FOR 6; GOALS AGAINST 274] whilst the local newspaper of record - The Goathill Gazette - features the Vicar of Our Lady of the Melting Earwax, The Very Reverend de'Vere Candling, who has raised £150 for the church restoration appeal by offering pedicures to the homeless ["It's what our Saviour would have done were he alive today - which, of course, in a very real sense he is"].
Meanwhile the Sydling St Nicholas Sun's crack team of investigative journalists expose the case of a man who claimed to have eaten two hundred Melbury Bubb Pies in a single sitting but, its sting operation has discovered, had taken an illegal 3 minute "comfort break" after pie 152 ["No more porky-pies for Mr Porky]. Finally the ever reliable Mappowder Mirror leads on a squirrel which strayed on to Dorset's longest bridge between Compton Abbas and Compton Valence causing a full 3 minutes of chaos amongst terrified motorists ["Frightened motorist Mrs Edwina Steering-Weal feared for her schedule as 3 minute delay wreaks havoc on local business schedules"].
A spokesperson for the DJA [Dorset Journalist's Association] said the diversity of lead stories was unprecedented in modern times and the sign of a healthy press. "I would say that a diversity of lead stories such as we have witnessed today is unprecedented in modern times and the sign of a healthy press" he said. Asked what he meant by modern times, he demurred, adding only that he had seen nothing like it since a similarly busy day three weeks ago when a survey of twelve local papers revealed that they had featured three different stories between them. "That's why we have a local free and investigative press", he went on to say, "with so much going on it's important to have men [and women and they [Ed]] on the ground covering the big issues". For the record, The Big Issue led on "Big Issue sales outside Waitaminute Superstore, Affpuddle fall sharply after Big Issue seller has big issue with local manager Tim Spoyle-Sporrt". "It was all resolved amicably in the end", Mr Spoyle-Sporrt told the local press, "we dusted ourselves off and dried our tears so it was more a case of the Big Tissue at the finish!".